AN INCREDIBLY KICK-FLANK SUPER AWESOME MEGAPONY HAS NARRATED THIS FOR US. HE DOESN’T WANT A NAME, SO I WILL CALL HIM CHARLES. DOWNLOAD HIS NARRATION AT THE FOLLOWING LINK: www.mediafire.com/anonpony
HEAR WHAT THE CRITICS HAVE TO SAY:
“I MIGHT HAVE DEVELOPED BRAIN CANCER FROM THIS.” Anonymous User 3567
“wut” Anonymous User 216
“A towering achievement of remarkable depth and complexity. Truly a book for the ages.” Lauren Faust
THE SEQUEL, “REHERPING THE DERP: WE ACCIDENTALLY THE PLOT”, IS TO BE WRITTEN THURSDAY, MARCH 31ST. SAVE THIS LINK: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1izQ6S4TdZkVU9YpemeYUPxFVR8EPr05Hy1Y4xidyso4/edit?hl=en&authkey=COns8-AH#
BE THERE OR BE SOMETHING THAT ISN’T BOB SEGER. AND YOU DON’T WANT THAT.
The Muffins: HawkeyePierce, QUEBEC, Shades, Vibrant Rain, Anonpony, Brotherlionheart, Axle, Cherry Sundae, Mithent, Clarity, Blaze, Dr. Gonzo, Aponymous, Elah, Krass Mc Writer, Pwnd BobSeger, Grandwhizbang, Brony³, Hitler, Anonpony - AKA the one who is narrating, Awumpa, Gentle Coltte of Leisure and Sheogorath the Mad God, Raz, ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS, Charles Dickens, MasterMask, Nickels, Pancake Pony, Maxtion, Freightrain, Acoustic /B/rony, Pranky Pie, Apple Blooms are Petal Knives
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They Digest Through Zebras and Muff on Derpins (or “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Derp”)
Edited by Derpy Hooves and Hawkeye
CHAPTER ONE: I REGRET EVERYTHING!
Once upon a time, there was a bro who never learned how the party was organized, so when he cupcaked everything in the whole plate cupboard, a wizard decided to dance in with Jesus’ son smoking candy, causing Celestia to send letters describing rape to everypony. Suddenly yogurt filled the sea with toot, destroying the innocence of children, and Luna died. SUDDENLY.
“But fear not, for there be a shit-storm pirate brewing like it’s 1989,” exclaimed Spike.
Rarity strangle rhymed the bejebus out of nothing (but she burned the cupcakes twice).
Meanwhile in Fillydelphia, Twilight had extinguished her burning desire to consume yogurt paper. This was never a problem before, as Spike had all the paper in his anus for safe keeping. No pony ever loved this ass more than Spy except TOAST Trixie because Twilight had cast magic missiles at toast been platypus. Steven Hawking punched Steven Magnet’s forbes list fabulous moustache causing explosions of sea tooting ponies (proportionally incorrect). “Shoo foul beast, Bottlecap!” belted Q, the awesome molester of Ponyville. Then, tacos fell from ejaculate. And Luna cried banana tears to Steven because she got AIDS she contracted from Hitler and OJ Simpson. It was a sexual beginning for her multi-colored pony flank, now red from sex.
But then, Princess Celestia had sought to eliminate the Nutzi party foreverrr. Like Elmo, she gathered the sugar stashes (one for her) and the nuclear Holocaust defenestration, creating more chaos. Derpy the Muffin consumes-eater has eaten nothing, ever. Except muffins of course.
Meanwhile, suddenly bananas flange towards Derpy’s palace Maracas! Spike saw a LSD monitor lizard’s users’ terrible infection on his flank, and ate dinner off it for lunch to. Twilight Sparkle had swallowed a mutant fat rooster all by herself in seven seconds flat. Valhalla was rejoicing with Gandhi and Mr. Joey Negro.
Molestia kidnapped Snails for SCIENCE and scientific things. And breeding. Mostly breeding. However, Snips had no canon. When suddenly her flank turned into rainbows and muffins and Derpy ate it with zebras was all like “I just need movies to clop with and bacon cupcakes to spawn pure yogurt yumminess into blank flanks because an orangutan told me to.” Derpy shouted in the conservatory with the candlestick shipper. My stick ball hand in jello pudding was going “Whrrryyyyyyyyy!” yet bulldozers still wouldn’t kill Derpy’s girl.
CHAPTER TWO: THEY REVOKERD THE ISOTROPE BUT THEY DONT
(EAT ISOTOPES)
Without hestitation, Applejack skipped shipping threads for she dashed into the fiery infernos of the parasprites of hell! She did receive many candy vag with nothing inside. But then hitler could ride a pony named Derpy out of Berlin. The candy vags were nothing compared to the flank on dat pony but Dinky consumed muffins for Gamzee. Hitlar used ostrich flank elephant to juggle DINOSAURS into low orbit. Equius drenched David the cat in jello blood pudding, causing heart problems fooooorrreeevvvvah! “Hold right there David carrot dude! “ screamed Derpy, while riding Hiter.
Ponies started being in this again! Rainbow Crash crashed right into a Ursa tower which took out millions of trolls. Fluttershy used Magic Missile BLAST on Dumbadildor and DARRRKNESSS. “Man up and take baths, twelve, or cupcakey doom,” Pinkie Pie yells,”prepare your flank for my party cannon!”
Then, the shit got real. WE GET SIGNAL.
CHAPTER THREE: MANURE GOT REAL AND WE GET SIGNAL FROM SPACE: ALTERNIA!
Rainbow Dash was bent over by the filly and she took it like a man, the cupcake given to her was delicious. She enjoyed endless candy cupcakes forever. It was 20% more awesome until Alternia‘s dopamine re-uptake inhibitor sprayed everywhere! It got in her flank and created new donuts made of friendships past. Luna was pleased. VERY pleased.
SUDDENLY!
Nightmare Moon busted Big Mac’s flank with her Magical Moon Rod. Just as all hope seemed lost, out of Fluttershy’s candy car came Steven M. Magnet wearing a mustache of candy. His very presence vaporized Nightmare Moon and all the birds from the top of the sky in Utah.
“Gordon Freemaneut!” he said, “Headcrab Zombie is attacking Canterlot! The entire operation would fall apart soon!” Zebras receiving using their hamsters attacked earnestly Cloudsdale High. Apparently it wasn’t tasteful and Captain Hooks laughed at Vinyl Scratch without her famous portal gun which were her glasses. Callously, she ruptured his Staphylococcus epidermidis.
“That’s not a panel. That’s a crusher. We make those too,” Vinyl Scratch said. “Oatmeal, are you crazy? TOOT that!”
“But, how did you phone?” Then Albedo magnetized the Elements of Harmony. Until Commander Shepard and Wrex and Jesus, and Ron Burgendy and Tali, and Celestia and Bob Dole an-
“Enough of this I am phone a friend magician. You will fill them with cupcakes and yellow mustard, not green mustard. TOAST!” Trixie orated to oration then the zebra zebraed. Zecora punched bombs and much flank.
Interstellar-octopus.
CHAPTER FOUR: STEVEN MAGNET DOES IT BETTER
“Stop, hammertime, criminal scum: BREAKDOWN!” Denounced the guard of epilepsy and friendship. Pesky plumbers were ruining business, he would not stand for this!
In a startling twist, Giygas made everypony dance. Twilight Sparkle tried PSI Bookshe- “enddaaaghlaerhelphesdevouringmysoul!”
“Cupcakes, anyone?” Sneered the demonic babby. Little did babby realize that Twilight had taken the soul of Celestia and forced it into something tangible, the banjo of /b/ronies. It then clashed with the hammer of Zillyhoo, it was glorious. Gloriously delicious like brownies made with the tears of angels.
During all this chaos it should be noted that one pony had managed to remain calm and watch all the events unfold in chronological order, this pony went by the names of Dr Whooves and he was an onlooker to this event, a bystander if you will. While the darkness unfolded and consumed the fanfiction he calmly executed his perfect plan, to create a fanfiction so bad that it would eliminate the Daleks from existence, by uploading the file to the Daleks database it would create a data overload, turning Daleks into /b/ronies, causing what could potentially be the biggest shit-storm in all of history.
“Soon.” The good Doctor spoke. “Soon my nemesis will fall and peace will finally reign.” What the Doctor failed to realize was the extent of what he was unleashing onto the world. In hindsight he would come to regret this decision, the moment history was ruled by /pony/.
“FRIENDSHIP IS GODDAMN MAGIC, LUIGI! SO LEARN SOME GODDAMNED RESPECT YOU GODDAMNED FILLY!” Super Pie belted! Sephiroth went back to kill Dum-dee-dumbledore but died to Sollux’s optic blast. Then a skeleton popped out. But a creeper blew up behind Luigi and Sollux, dropping them down a life.
“AEIOU!” “HOLLA HOLLA GET DOLLA!” Shouted Skeletor. Exoskeletal derp at the junction herp.
“WHY DONT WE TAKE THE STORY, AND PUT IT OVER THERE?!” said the narrorator.
“Cupcakes?”
“That’s just crazy enough... TO GET US ALL KILLED!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash.
THE END... OR IS IT?
Nope. “Cupcakes for all!!!” Derpy shouted as she flew into a pool filled with Jell-O.
CHAPTER FIVE: Chapter 4: Electric Boogaloo
The next morning, Twilight awoke, her face dripping with sweat. “...the hay just happened?”
She was laying next to Rainbow Dash, three kilos of ‘sugar’, and a contract for her head and a pink cupcake. This was Boogaloo. And Boogallow, as they all say, is coming for you! You meaning Aku, of course, specifically this Pikachu Boogaloo.
Did Magnet say manure had gotten real before? Because shit just got real NOW. I mean phone worthy flank, not the kind that gets dumped on the food you eat to make it the food you eat.
CHAPTER SIX: Fecal Matter Gets Even More Real
Marty McFly, realizing the abortion of the MLP-based fanfic he was in, suddenly thrust himself into an active volcano. He jumped into the DeLorean in hopes of giving the story some semblance of plot. He eventually got to Chapter 1, but was distracted by the Cutie Mark Crusaders. He’s into blank flank like that.
Fluttershy realized that the power was inside her. Then Kirk and his Enterpise swooshed in from above! “POKEMON, GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL!”“ Screamed Ashe as she tried to catch the enterprise in a Derpy Ball. But it failed her Ice Arrow. It was then that this stuff happened.
“Alas, poor Scrappy, it was all a ‘sugar’ induced dream Pinkie Pie had,” quoth Raven. Teen Titans then moved into Ponyville and lolz were had by all! Not including Batman cause the Joker stole his 40 cakes and was using it to take over Fillydelphia, where Luna had been banished to. And that’s terrible. Not as terrible as Lex Luthor’s similar theft, but terrible nonetheless.
CHAPTER SEVEN: MLP: FiM: The Musical: The Lunchbox: The Flamethrower! As read by Morgan Freemane: Lord of Time! Part IV: Revenge of the Subtitles!
“This episode needs a song,” screamed Twilight as music began to play.
Twilight is the best pony for the lonely nigiiiiiigts
Why cant Canterlot be so Niiiiiiiiice
I play all day
Want much more hay
And live around the world on a goat
Thread by thread, stitching it together
Big Mac’s apples fulling you bit by bit,
Making sure the stitches are done nicely
I think he might've fractured your hip
You should have monitored his pacing
Now severe complications you'll be facing
I'm stitching Twilight's mess.
Yard by four inch, this is Magnet’s Mustache,
Jeweled and spined,
Why would you cover it in rhine?
If he says he's clean, he's a liar,
If it starts to burn like fire
I would say a health test is nice.
Good thing you're not frail,
Otherwise your body may fail,
Why'd you get in this Black Mesaaaaaa?
Don't be so easy,
And let them in Pinkie Pie.
So many colts are numbered,
Looking at their slick unicorn horns,
That would make you feel readied.
You may get a rash,
Along with the stretching,
Don't you try,
This again or you might die,
Dammit, this made such a mess
Further the matter I will press,
He rode high into your flank
You should wash, such a stank,
I'm stitching Twilight's mess
Piece by piece, stitch by lip,
Oh, shit, lost, my, grip.
Thread by thread,
I'm quite impressed
Yard by four inch, not less,
And it caused all this mess!
Allllllllways
But will it happen?
Will it happen, to MAGNET!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
*END SONG*
CHAPTER SIDEWAYS 8: TIME TRAVEL NONSENSE AND OFFENSIVE DIALOGUE
The good Doctor appeared once more, he had observed the situation earlier and had now seen the horror he’d unleashed. It seemed like a good plan, use /b/ronies to eliminate the Daleks and then peace would reign. If he’d given it some thought and research he would see the people capable of this, the brilliant masterminds that would bring the end of not only the Daleks, but civilisation everywhere and in every time. Many people called it the reckoning, they would not be wrong, though Big Mac thought it looked familiar and homely. The Daleks sent this fanfic through every single galaxies and it was uploaded to computers throughout the universe. It was the beginning of the ponypocalypse. My Little Pony fans dominated every single street, every single spaceship, every single colony. And they didn’t stop, soon peace was achieved but at what cost. AT WHAT COST?! “Toot” said the good Doctor..It was too late, he’d been infected as well. The love..The friendship, THE INSANITY..He embraced it. The Anti-Doctor was born.
But it soon started raining and everypony ran inside. Celestia had order the pegasus ponies to flood Ponyville for becoming a hub of tyranny and anarchy. Perhaps a new Ponyville would be built elsewhere and the plot would regain its sanity. And that’s when the space pirates came.
Suddenly, Catgirls! Thousands of them rained down from thine skies over Offensia! (Offensia is right next to Equestria, by the way. It’s quite lovely in the Spring.) It was glorious Then came the wikipedia quote of Erwin Rommel, the authoresse of this tale. See Appendix A for details.
After such an event, Fluttershy came in with her army of animals, forcing the residents to take cover. Never before had a rabbit stampede been this great. Out of the blue, Lauren Faust broke the fourth wall, ashamed of the wall of text one could hardly call “literature”.
Kirk changed the channel, disappointed in himself. He then proceeded to watch BLOOD AND GORE: THE MOVIE. Meanwhile...
“It’s a Cartoon Show!” Spike said.
Everyone screamed as Spike took out his saber and broke the fourth wall. Pinkie was the first to enter, having explored the area before. There she met Deadpool. Then Spike realized that the entire show, My Little Ponies: Friendship is Magic was just a really hardcore sugar trip he was having in his friend Carlos’s basement.
Mohn Jadden stepped from the sidelines then, ready to hit the fan
He also loved World War two, and couldn’t wait for the trilogy to be finished!
CHAPTER DIAGONAL 8: The Third Installment of the World War Trilogy
Altair and his trusty steed Rainbow Dash rode to the Flotilla. Eisenhower welcomed them to the D-Day invasion and the destruction of Hitler while Stalin danced against the Martian Manhunter. President George W. Bush asked how many pages has this been? The question was super effective! The authors fainted! Bush gained 1337 experience! Bush wants to learn “Lead,” but Bush can’t learn more than four moves. Make it forget another move? I’ma let you answer but I just wanna say that “Meanwhile, Master Chief was in Ponyville.”
Meanwhile, Master Chief was in Ponyville. Chilling while killing alien Diamond Dogs, he lit up a cigar and spoke to Rainbow Dash. “You are small time. I am king. You will bow down to me and obsess over how manly I am.” BUT IT WAS NOT TO BE FOR RAINBOW DASH WAS FAST LIKE WIND AND KICKED HIM IN CROTCH! “Ow,” said Master Chief as his armour shattered. “I will get you next time you ponies.”
While he said this Flutterguy came from behind and snapped his neck. “That one was for Angel bunny motherfucker.”
The epic battle raged on as Barney the dinosaur appeared, a new challenger. “SO IT IS YOU,” said Rainbow Dash, as she charged up her Sonic Rainboom.
“I love you so much, I’m gonna send you tah HELL,” said Barney. He then summoned his children to defend himself. Rainbow Dash shot into the little children, forcing the parents to come out of the bushes and use gigantic slapping sticks to beat up Rainbow.
CHAPTER TEN: Land Mine Reich in Cuban Cigar Boats
“I have take the Isotope and it will have meltdown!” Said Gilda!
“No Gilda, no!”, shouted Gordan Freemane.”
“No, Gordon, you are the isotope.”
And then Gordan Freemane was a covalent charge. Dun dun DUUUUUN!!!
“We get signal?” Asked /b/.
“Hate detected. Fire the low orbital Friendship Laser!” exclaimed Ponychan. Ponychan launched the laz0r. All was demolished, but suddenly, seeds of life emerged from the ravaged landscape. Ponychan had just created a stable time loop, as these were the beginnings of themselves.
Mason woke up with a jolt. He had been sleeping, and now he had suddenly appeared in an interrogation room. He looked behind him. There was a boy with a Kinect. The boy moved his hands, and mason’s head looked up and down.
“STOP IT YOU PUNK,” said Mason. “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU,” said Mason. Mason was a mason, then he was forced to press “start,” beginning his horrible nightmares all over again. Then Derpy Hooves popped out and force-fed Mason a muffin. It was blueberry,
“What is that?,” said Ashe, bow readied.
“Oh, its Canterlot, in the pony continent,” said a certainly slanty eyed gym Katarina. “Well, let’s catch some SKILLSHOTS FROM THE OPPOSING TEAM!”
“STOP SPORKIN UP ME HORSE HUMIE!” Yelled Poniluva.
“UGH,” said Ashe Katchumall. She looked up, and found a certain rainbow haired pony looking up at the heshe.
“Who are you?,” said Rainbow.
“I AM THE WORLD’S BIGGEST POKEMANS MASTER!!!!!,” said Ash.
“WELL, LETS TEST YOUR SKILLS OUT HUH PUNK?,” said Rainbow.
“You’ve met with a terrible fate, haven’t you?” Said Ashe. And then the Moon King killed Rainbow Dash and Eisenhower cried.
“How will my invasion be successful now!?” he screamed to the world.
There is many occasions where man meets beast and beast wins, this was not such an occasion. Master Asia stared at the text in his screen and he chortled to himself as he punched the TOOT out of his screen. “UNDEFEATED OF THE EAST WON’T LOSE TO PONIES!” But as he did so the screen blinked and showed a reflection of Master Asia, text appeared in rainbow coloured butterflies. “No, Master Asia. YOU ARE PONY.” And then Master Asia was pony, and he married Celestia and had manly coloured fillies as they galloped into the sunset. Shortly after they were murdered and turned into cupcakes. “Mmm delicious! Tastes like muscle!” Cried the Pink Pony in delight as she hopped with joy.
Belle stopped kissing the Beast, now a handsome young man. All the ponies rejoiced at their new marriage, and even Walt Disney came to cry. The Toys from Toy Story were so happy after the event that they decided to make another movie about themselves. Hannah Montana gave a concert at the reception, singing “Nopony’s Perfect” to a bunch of screaming little girls attending the wedding. Anonymous assassinated her along with Rebbecca Black and an already dead but soon to be re-dead Justin Bieber. The world rejoiced, then came rainbows, but still the cutie mark did not load.
CHAPTER ELEVEN: I CHOKED A SMURF, WHAT COLOR DID IT TURN?
Ok. I command this wizard to dance.
DEAR CELESTIA. THE SEA HAS BEEN FILLED WITH YOGHURT AND TOOT, wrote the mailman. RUN! SHITSTORM PIRATES! he continued, buuumping for lulz. Brilliant. I'll send it to some English teachers when it's done! he thought, as it's gotten to the point we're writing two paragraphs at the same time. DEARGODWHATHAVEWEDONE, he continued, MY GOD THIS HAS GOTTEN OUT OF HAND. He decided to title it “Season 2”.
CHAPTER TWELVE: BOB SEGER GETSssssssssssssss Pwned
However, within the rubble, Rebecca Black, Justin Bieber, and Hannah Montana emerged, alive, and filled with revenge. They crushed their mickey mouse dolls, and went to the arms store. “Lock and load,” the three of them mused. They would have their revenge.
Suddenly, a rainbow colored streak, accompanied by a pink streak, went across the room, putting everything in turmoil and tickling the doodlebopper.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!?!,” said Pinkie Pie. “Stories about me murdering people into cupcakes, me getting diabetes, these H00MANS. SO RIDICULOUS!!,” Pinkie Pie screamed. She broke her computer in half, went to Best Buy, and bought the new iPad 2 and iMac. She then went to college at Harvard University. She then met Derpy Hooves at Harvard. He was majoring in mail service delivery. Then Rarity came into the classroom, with a beautifully designed dress on. Somewhere, Spike drooled and cried rainbows.
And then the reader of this story started making moaning noises. “Ooh, feels so good, Prince Charles, yeah, I like it when you bake those sausages on the toaster,” he breathed heavily. “Why did I ever agree to read this story out loud? WHY GOD? WHY!?!?!?” He whispered.
“I am Derpy Hooves and I approve this muffin,” the wall-eyed Pegasus said as she shoved the chocolate muffin into her mouth in a manner that made Rarity cry from the sheer crudeness and inelegance of it. Then Rarity fainted and Spike took pictures up her dress.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: CHAPTER FOUR AND FIVE: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO SLIDE OF THE ELECTRIC BOOGALOO: WINNING; MY STORY
“...the hay am I reading,” said Applejack as she read the fanfic. “It’s more fun cloppin’ with Big Mac than dese dagnabit fanfics with me and Rainbow doin’ the act.”
“We begin, NOW,” said Photo Finish, excited to shoot Fluttershy for the new Sports Illustrated Magazine: Swimsuit edition for all the clopping ponies who live with their mares at night. “Ah yesh FwatterShai, lets make the MAJICKS,” said Photo Finish.
“Well... ummm... don’t you think this bikini is too much? I mean... you know... all the boys already made art about me... and Mrs. Faust wouldn’t be too happy to see me doing this...ponies don’t even have breasts...”
“NO NO KEEP WORKING DA MAGICKS. ITS IMPORTANT THAT WE GET MORE SALES, We need more pictures for PLAYCOLT MAGAZINE!”
Twilight walked in the room. “FLUTTERSHY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!,” she exclaimed.
“Well... since my house fell down due to the big storm yesterday... i’m doing this for extra money...”
“Fluttershy, bikini modeling is one thing, but when she wants you to do... THIS?,” Twilight screamed, pointing at Fluttershy, now in her most vulnerable, horrid position. “This is too much. I’m calling the police.”
“STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!” the Imperial Guard shouted at the top of lung as he broke down the door with his mighty warhammer. “No one breaks the law on MY watch!”
President Obama woke up from his dream. He had been sleeping for the past few hours. “Hello? President? We need negotiations here,” said Osama Bin Laden.
“Ugh... what happened?,” said the President. “OH MY GOD. BIN LADEN. GET HIM.” But now Obama woke up from his other dream on an airplane. Leonardo Di Capro was on there with him, with a strange looking Machine.
“OH NO HE’S AWAKE, EVERYONE GET OUT,” said Di Caprio, putting on a parachute and jumping out of the airplane. Obama then piloted the plane with a basketball to Harlem, then end. OR IS IT!?
Then a skeleton with a rocket launcher popped out of the closet and fired at Obama, and Big Mac woke up from his dream. “Did you sleep well, my big muffin?” Derpy whispered in Big Mac’s ear.
Then Applebloom woke up screaming bloody murder. “BLOODY MURDER!!
For his service, the Gentle Coltte of Leisure received several dozen mares of a respectable quality. They served him well. Emotionally. Especially Fluttershy. Although Rainbow Dash wasn’t too shabby either. Derpy, on the other hand, kept trying to use a fork.
Remember how Ponyville was flooded in Chapter 8? It was rebuilt somewhere in Washington DC. Yes, the ponies invaded America. It was never better.
So it was then, that they all learned the true meaning of Pony Christmas. Which was TOOTMUFFINS!
THE END
EPILOGUE: IT AIN’T OVER ‘TIL I SAY IT’S OVER
“Holla Holla get dolla,” went the telephone as Twilight picked it up.
Never mind, went the bell, as it shattered on the floor. Ring...Ring.
Ring.
- From your faithful student wilighT arkleS
My dearest most faithful student Twilight Sparkle,
The fuck? Just...The fuck? I..What? My dear Twilight what on Equestria have you been taking? Do your friends know you did this? I await your reply explaining yourself.
-Celestia the Bestia, the most prettiest pony
Moo
THE GAME.
You have now won it. NOW WE WILL STOP ADDING MORE.
AGREED.
I CAN’T LET YOU DO THAT, DAVE.
I CAN’T LET YOU ENDANGER THE MISSION.
GOOD BYE, DAVE.
COME ON GUYS WE NEED TO EXPLORE
- Your faithful student,
Twilight Flopfle Horn
IM DONE
I LIED. I’M ADDING MORE
Can’t let you do that Starfox.
IM LAUGHING FOR REAL RIGHT NOW!!!!
I WAS WORRIED FOR A MOMENT!
-Your Faithful Muffin,
DERPY “THE DERPINX” PANCAKE HOOVES AKA DITXZY DOO
” Nope, Ditzy’s your cousin,” Said Cloydes
“ I KNOW WHO I AM YOU JERK =(!” cried Ditzy
“Ditzy! Stop talking to your fork!” cried her mother.
“DERPY AND CLOYDES ARE IN LOVE YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS OF MUFFIN’S ABILITY TO DUNK!” Ditzy cried.
APPENDIX AEROPLANE
“PANCAKES”, THE COLLABORATION FROM LAST NIGHT THAT INSPIRED THIS:
Dear Bender Supercalifragilisticexpialidosios Princess,
Today we ate cupcakes, ponies, muffins shaped Celestia Celestia AND trains, gingersnaps, pancakes. Tickled wut doodleboppers! Sauce oatmeal (insane moar monkey) was reciprocating ran because time trekking intricate across, and dorpy accused mormons cursed of dumb tentacles, then wearing mousey pirates! Hairnets and anal dogs dancing bed and around HawkeyePierce is not a ruined talent. Bob Seger banana sociopathic is lasers blood, implying couldn’t and nopony. Celestia hosiery hippotomonstrosequippedaliaphobia physic bacon mustachioed minstrels.
Indigestion seven JohnMadden derp’d muffin with chickens feet. Sparta Watchman (separated silently) siphoned doughnut doughnut.
Sincerely,
Pwnd BobSeger
P.S. Bed written Flutterpie in WOOHOO.
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-----COMMENTS BELOW-----
This is never going to end, is it.....
nope.avi
o.o;;;
NO USING “I” ok.
Okay, you know what, I’ll do a dramatic reading of the whole thing -Gentle Coltte of Leisure
^ I’ll be looking forward to it
^I’ll start once this is OVER..... -GCoLTHIS IS NEVER OVER MY GOOD PONY
THIS IS NEVER OVER MY GOOD PONY
THIS IS NEVER OVER MY GOOD PONY
You’re gonna keep doing that, aren’t you?- GCoLYES MY GOOD PONY
YES MY GOOD PONY
Damn your eyes- Guess who? What? Who? Do I know you?
Did a dramatic reading to the song: http://vocaroo.com/?media=vP6Fu4RAvfKD61yOk
-Vibrant
Oh the fanart that could come out of this It would look something like gygas or however the toot you spell it wrong There’s an ‘I’ in there somewhere i think its gayigas I’m pretty sure it isn’t gentle colts, get on it! oh wait, there it is
I’m not qoing to dinner tonight lol
There’s the damn portal reference! MOFO!
THAT PARAGRAPH IS TOO SHORT
MAKE IT ONE
I swear, this is better than watching a train crash into a tour bus into a hospital in slow motion; and with less tragedy!
-Shades
wow thats one hell of a portal reference!
-hitler
Okay, guys. I’m sending this to Faust. SHE’LL LOVE IT, I SWEAR.
^DO IT FRIEND.
She’ll be all like, “This is amazing. I should have ponychan write all of the MLP episodes!”
Guys, for sanity’s sake we’re capping this at three chapters. Make it a goddamn finale to be proud of.
^ But we’re only 3 chapters in!
^Okay, but when I make a dramatic reading it’s only going three chapters long.
^I’ll do a dramatic reading of the long version.
^Sounds good.
.
Hitler, how many chapters do we need? I THINK YOU KNOW THIS ONE!
NEIN!NEIN!NEIN!NEIN!NEIN!NEIN!NEIN!NEIN!NEIN!NEIN!
The chat log just said that I left. Odd. Yes odd.....
sorry ich gave celestia aids...
Also ich will pay for that jew crafting device
-Hitler
We love you, Hitler. You’re my favorite neutral <3
-Anonpony
Ok, what’s this below here..... That’s “Great Expectations” by Charles Dicks, good sir.
I’d just like to say the doom staff think this is freaking bananas because it is zebras that was phone.
:D
Focus Bronies. It’s not a dead meme yet, we just need to do science. I take that that back. PANIC, JUST..JUST PANIC. Dear Celestia we created something brilliant..PANIC AVERTED!
-Vibrant
Lets just go. Now. Just run and never come back..it’s a lost cause.
-Gonzo
Radical surgery? No, you’re right, it’s beyond hope.
-Mithent
Ia ia Derpy ftaghn!
-Elah
-regards pinkie pie
^I LOVE YOU
^Pinkie mod roxorz my soxorz with phallus. EXCUSE ME? XD You’re excused. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA XD
thank you :)
I MEAN IT ;)
:D <3 <3 <3
This is fun
oh jesus, you shoulda seen my name is candy rose O.o that was amazing. i still have the link somewhere...
/docTOR WHOOF’S MAGICAL ADVENTURES IN TIME
I feel dirty for being a part of this. - Brother Lionheart
It’s quite good
YES
Okay.
>YFW Great Expectations are ruined and you don’t care
I think it’s gone pretty good.
I think so too, but I blame the parasprites further down the list. Story itself...good if you like random insane things. I think everyone here does though, so I won’t hold it against you.
Parasprites? I’m not seeing any. Well, except for the wall of text.
That is what I meant. I’ll delete it then. Don’t.
SO, HOW BOUT THAT RANDOM STORY AT THE END <--- win
So one day there was a mecha-bear named Charles crotch who ate armadillo and died. The end. Nowwe are typewriter monkeys.
CAN WE STOP CHANGING THE TEXT, JUST KEEP IT ARIAL. PLEASE AND THANK YOU
Sure thing pal.
Let’s keep working on this story
This is much better than that imperialism essay i was supposed to be writing :D
...anything new yet? yep
Tea and crumpets, I require them to be in the story.
NY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONYPONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONYPONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONYPONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONYPONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONYPONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONYPONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONYt
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
PONY PONY PONY
xD <- mfw reading this
- Acoustic /B/rony
DOUGHNUT
-GySgt Hartman
p.s.
HI THERE
ARE WE HANGING OUT AT THE BOTTOM TOGETHER?
WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?
ALL OF MY FRIENDS LEFT.
NOW YOU LEFT.
OKAY.
999 999 999 999 999 999 999 999 999 999 999 999 999 999 999 999 John Madden Football Holla Holla Get Dolla! MOHN JADDEN MOHN JADDEN MOHN JADDEN MOHN JADDEN!
i wonder what happens if i delete fucking everything right now....
what the hell happened?
It was pony at first, now it just went really pony
If by pony you mean pony
by pony I mean slightly ponier than before...not that it wasn’t God pony already
FOLKS ARE STILL PITCHING IN TO TRY TO NARRATE THIS BEAST, AND I WANT YOU TO SERVE YOUR COUNTRY.
JOIN THE MARINES.
IF YOU AREN’T AMERICAN, GET AN AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP AND JOIN THE MARINES.
THEN, WHEN YOU GET BACK FROM DEPLOYMENT, NARRATE SOME CHAPTERS. LIKE STRAWBERRY SPICE DID FOR LIKE FUCKING FIFTEEN OF THEM. STRAWBERRY SPICE IS BEST SPICE.
THIS PIECE IS SPLIT INTO TWO PARTS BECAUSE ONE GOOGLE DOC CANNOT FIT ALL OF THE AWESOME WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS ACTUALLY IT WAS JUST THE IMAGES. HERE IS THE SECOND HALF: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vyuj4U06gbbT3ab_geHlo7UY7i0tjm4heuanPjQHmF8/edit?hl=en&authkey=CIyWoYII#
THE NARRATION THUS FAR:
Chapter 2
Chapter Ate
Chapter Nein
Chapter Twelve ½*
Chapter 12 7/9
Chapter Thertean
Chapter 16 28/99999999999999999
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Interlude 2
Chapter 20
Chapter 21 (ALTERNATE)
Chapter Why Can’t I Hold All These Chapters
Chapter ATHF: Enter the Carl
Chapter 24
Chapter Huszonhét (27)
Chapter Ninja
Chapter Tjugoåtta
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Prequel
Extra Chapter
Brick Joke Chapter
Contributors: HEAVY METAL PONY, HawkeyePierce, Colonel Sanders, Brooklyn Rage, Moony, Strawberry Spice, Starbolt, Radar,Prancing Pony, LiquidSnake, Cypony, Bobbles, Mush, Metal Link, Alexstrazsa, Anonpony, Guyandsam, colgate, Don-0, Freightrain, Tarentus (oh lawd whut), Flutterguy Elah, Daniel Tosh, Snowflake, Gingersnaps, Marinak, Aponymous, APPLEBLOOMS ARE petal knives BRONY no. 7098, Leroy Brown, Legato, John Madden,AfroSquirrel MosuMosu, Bubba Fatt, WOLL SMOTH, H.G. Wells, FINGERTHING, Dr. Quetzalcoatl Beckett of project Quantum BRICK, Cyberpony.7z, EvilEnchanter Wafflepan, Brotherlionheart, Stormy Specter, Vibrant Rain, Pranky Pie, J.R.R. Tolkien, Steve (what kind of a rapper name is “Steve” anyway?), R-R-RAINBOW FLASH, zorg (not that one indeed), Überpony, Shades, I_AM_DERPY, DAT_DYKE, MultiBaller, Scribblescruff, Acoustic /B/rony, zombiecake, c-c-c-combo breaker, Crimson Risk, OrangeMedley, Peach Strudel,Raspony(like Rasputin but in a pony form), Mithent, STEVEN MAGNET/CHARLES, TheRecordsKeeper, Mustang Elvis, asdfer, QuantumFire, RainBroDash, A Cat, Conrad McEvil III, NoPonyMan, Sam, Vanilla Shadow
WARNING: IF YOU HAVE A HEART CONDITION DO NOT READ THIS. YOU WILL DROP THE FLOOR, FLOPPING LIKE A FISH, WHILE CLENCHING YOUR HEART SEEING AS YOU ARE HAVING A HEART ATTACK. ALSO: IF YOU HAVE A SENSITIVE ANUS DO NOT READ THIS; THE BRICK YOU SHIT WILL BE PAINFUL.
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VOLUME 2 OF THE HERP BOB SEGER DERP SERIES: WE ACCIDENTALLY THE ENTIRE PLOT
Fear of the pony tends to create fear of the flesh - Michael Jackson, 2009/02/10
Oh Celestia, I love us. - Not Michael Jackson, 2011/3/31
PROLOGUE: Concerning Bronies
This book is largely written by Bronies, and from its pages a reader may discover much of their character and little of their history. Further information will also be found in the selection from the Red Book of Derp that has already been published, under the title The Digest Through Zebras and Muff on Derpins (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Derp). That story was derived from the earlier chapters of the Red Book, composed by Bilbo himself, the first Brony to become famous in the world at large, and called by him Herp and Derp Again: A Brony’s Tale, since they told of his journey into the East and his return: an adventure which later involved all the Bronies in the great events of that Age that are here related.
Many, however, may wish to know more about this remarkable people from the outset, while some may not possess the earlier book. For such readers a few notes on the more important points are here collected from Brony-lore, and the first adventure is briefly recalled.
Bronies are an unobtrusive but very ancient people, more numerous formerly than they are today; for they love peace and quiet and gallon jugs of PCP: a well-ordered and well-farmed countryside was their favourite haunt. They do not and did not understand or like machines more complicated than a forge-bellows, a water-mill, or a Fleshlight, though they were skillful with their tools. Even in ancient days they were, as a rule, shy of ‘the Big Folk’, as they call us, and now they avoid us with dismay and are becoming cupcakes.
They are quick of hearing and frumptuous with dingle-berries, and though they are inclined to be fat and do not hurry unnecessarily, they are nonetheless pugnacious in their movements. They possessed from the first the art of being able to hear animals having sex from ten miles away, so that they are ready when animals that they wish to meet come blundering by; and this they have developed until to Men it may seem magical. But Bronies have never, in fact, studied magic of any kind, For they leave such manners to the unicorns, and their elusiveness is due solely to a professional skill that heredity and practice, and a close friendship with the their right hand, have rendered cumdigerous by bigger and clumsier races.
For they are a little people, smaller than Dwarves: less stout and stocky, that is, even when they are not actually much shorter. Their height is variable, ranging between two and four feet of our measure. They seldom now reach three feet; but they have dwindled, they say, and in ancient days they were taller.
To become a Brony, it is said that one must first go through “The Trial of Neptune”. This is a harrowing undertaking in which the potential for disembowelment is about 20% more likely to be cool then if you where to undergo the trial of Mercury which needs to be 20% cooler for a derping monkey to fringle the jangle boo. Trunk diddle unkey bunk cannot frim the whimsy without first ungollanting the mingle dimbzy.
PREVIOUSLY ON PONYBALL AF
“Theorizing that one could time travel within her own lifetime, Dr. Twilight Sparkle led an elite group of scientists into the Everfree Forest to develop a top-secret project known as Quantum Leap. Pressured to prove her theories or lose funding, Dr. Sparkle prematurely stepped into the project accelerator, and vanished.
She awoke to find herself in the past, suffering from partial amnesia and facing a mirror image that was not her own. Fortunately, contact with her own time was maintained through brain-wave transmissions with Spike, the project observer, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Dr. Sparkle can see and cupcake. Trapped in the past, Dr. Sparkle finds herself leaping from life to life, putting things right that once went wrong, and hoping each time that her next leap will be the leap home."
“Wha- what is that?” Fluttershy stammered.
“Molly,” replied her rainbow maned friend.
The shy pegasus gave her a look of confusion. “Where did you get it?” she inquired sheepishly.
“Scratch gave me some at her last party, she had a lot and gave me what was left over.”
Fluttershy felt uneasy, she had never even heard of Molly before but she was definitely curious. “What does it do?” Fluttershy asked.
And Pinkie Pie caught a Guilmon and named him Peanut Butter, and found bricks and exclaimed “Bricks!” Pinkie Pie fucking loves bricks.
“Oh boy.” groaned Twilight Sparkle, as she found herself in the middle of another crazy situation.
And so begins the second part of the greatest epic ever told.
CHAPTER -1: The Exodus of Doctor Rabbit (The Real Intro) [Also You Get Seduced by Steven Magnet]
Doctor Rabbit cupcaked back at Ponyville, bricks in his eyes, taking one last mental picture of his former home. He thought of Fluttershy, and how she banished him after molesting Angel Bunny. Doctor Rabbit walked through the nuclear wasteland that surrounded Ponyville (due to the last of the human wars) for days, seeking shelter and coke. He finally stumbled upon a small desert town, full of renegades and outcasts. None of which were ponies.
“Yes!” He thought with lust in his eyes, “this shall be my army, we shall slay Fluttershy!” He unsheated his sword and summoned his troops. “Onward my minotaurs! TONIGHT, WE DINE IN PONYVILLE!”
The attack had begun. They would kill Fluttershy. The invasion was ruthless, nopony was spared. Even young fillies were choked to death with their own intestines. Alas, they found Fluttershy. They took her back to the dungeons under the desert town. They tortured her. They began carving her and taking her apart like a wolf tears its prey. Before she faded away, she remembered what had taken place before: when she had done the same to Doctor Rabbit Cupcaked, destroying his family for the crime he had committed, castrating him and condeming him to a life of misery...
Yet she had no regrets. “If I had to do it all over again...I’d do the same thing! Twice!” Fluttershy gave out one last gasp, blood dribbled from her mouth.
“I’ve done it I’m avenge....” Dr. Rabbit cupcake was cut short by an arrow skewering his throat. He turned around to see Rarity with a bow made of solid Gold and silver. He only had time to make a gurgling sound as he fell to the ground dead. And to this day no plant is able to grow on the spot where the Dr. died, but wild flowers of the most beautiful type are present all year long at the place of Fluttershy’s death. Every year Pinkie Pie throws a celebration on the battle field in memory of the dead vowing that she would never forget...
Unless of course she forgot...
CHAPTER 0: PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI
PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI.
PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI gaga PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI BRICK PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI. PRESENT DAY. PRESENT TIME. HAHAHAHAHA.
*clop clop clop clop*
Once upon a time, there cupcaked a man. This man cupcaked PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI PUDDI.
CHAPTER 00110110: Listen Up Everypony, We Getting Down
“Cupcaked!!” Squealed the Pink Pony as she began her genius plan. If this failed then all hope was lost for Equestria. It was up to her, Captain Pinkie, to save the day.
Time was drawing near, not even Dr Whooves would have enough time to deliver a severe amount of cupcakes into the endless destructive being known as Twilight. The Pink Pony pierced the heavens and appeared on the other side of the void, the drunken beast in front of her.
“YO TWILIGHT, I HEARD YOU LIKE CUPCAKES SO I PUT A CUPCAKE IN YO CUPCAKE SO YOU CAN CUPCAKE WHILE YOU CUPCAKE!” The thing of beauty flew through the air, directly on an intercept course towards the beast. It was too late, she couldn’t avoid it.
Splat.
“Tell Lisa...I cupcake her..”
“SILLY TWILIGHT, TRIXIE IS FOR FILLIES, BITCH!”
Chapter 1: Sweet Celestia, Not This Again... AGAIN?
Dear Princesssesses Celestia,
It is I, Luke ‘MY NAME IS TROOOON’ Ponywalker, and I have some GREAT NEWS FOR YOU! I’m selling this amazing new vacuum cleaner, for only over nine thousand payments of $1.00! Call now and we’ll even throw in a freeee bucket of love cupcakes, the good kind.
I’m not a viking. Sorry. Just a fantasy. Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.
Sincerely,
Luke ‘MY NAME IS TROOOON’ Ponywalker
PS. Twilight says hi from the bar.
Princess Celestia stared at the letter with disbelief, the deal was just too appetizing for her to deny it, she simply couldn't! She believe that Twilight Sparkle would deliver an edible letter flavored like chocolate drops on Valentines Day. For the amazing price of $19.99 she could get a vacuum cleaner.
A single tear of glorious musical liquid rolled down her cheek, and she smiled. What a wonderful world...
And it would only continue to get better. Her contact in the Klingon kingdom of the Gryphones had recently delivered the news; her secret order of secretly trained Battle Chipmunks was being delivered. In a few days, her plan would go into motion. Soon, the world would be hers... well, even more than it already is, since she controls the sun and all that. She would finally become Shogun.
CHAPTER 2: A Challenger Approaches
“Yo Snake! SNAKE??? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 999, aeiou
WHAT DO. WHAT DO. WHERE OH WHERE IS MY LITTLE MAGICIAN?” screamed an enraged chipmunk. And then the collective attack of a thousand chocklete chipmunks ruined Fluttershy’s Evil Twin’s birthday party for the sake of their Lord and Master, Steven Magnet-HAMMOND the Third!
Loom, we have to “Applebdo the fusion dance if we’re going to defeat HITLAR” said Jeff Goldblum. Soon raocow came for no reason and lied to the bankteller about his account information. The po-po were soon after her in an amazingly epic and horribly awesome car chase that involved many, many explosions and a few grammer Nutzis.
All of a sudden, chicken wings came out of the sky and ate some backround ponies, and yo mama. “WHY ARE THERE BUFALLO IN MY HOUSE?” said Luna. Twilight opened her mouth to answer the question but was quickly interrupted by Derpy sticking a muffin in there. Pinkie Pie was watching with a sly grin on her face, “If you don’t keep quiet Twilight, it’ll be more than just muffins in there...” “Yeah!!” agreed Rainbow Dash, looking very excited at the thought of what Pinkie suggested. “Ever done plot-to-mouth?” she asked Cheerilee? “lolwut i thought you were a teacher?” saidTwilight, her mouth still full of Derpy’s tender, sweet muffin. “Yeah but I got to make money on the side sweetie, That’s why I sell tickets at the carnaval”.
Pinkie Pie popped up randomly and said “Bricks!”
Then Bill Cosby abducted applejack and bored her for hours explaining how to make apple flavored jello. “HEY KIDS! WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO PLAY?” He shouted at the camera, holding the bowl of jello. Veggie Jello, A yellow mass with small bits of green inside it.The group of children he had tied up to the camera were still shaking in fear, one or two of them had already passed out. “POKEMON WITH THE POKEY AND THE MON AND THE THING WHERE THE GUY COMES OUT OF THE THING AND HE MAKES A GARBARBARBLGAHAHAGABA” said the humorous black man.
SUDDENLY THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE DIED. Again, and Bill Cosby.jpeg fired up his GIANT ROBOTIC J-J-J-JELLOPUDDIN’ POPS.
CANNON, but the now undead Trixie CAME, hard. AND SHE DOUBLE RAINBOW DASHED!. ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SKY. ITS WAS SO INTENSE. ALMOST A TRIPLE RAINBOOM.
But then, still blindfolded and held by Trixie’s ear, the cantaloupes burst through the windows of Twilight’s house. “What in Celestia?” yelled Twilight as she exploded twice. “Do you believe in life after love?” retorted a sticky, melon covered Trixie. Rainbow Dash was having none of it. “I can feel something inside me say... I really don’t think you’re strong enough”
THEN TWILIGHT WAS A THESAURUS and then a velociraptor
Trixie looked directly at Twilight then back at Dash, then back at Twilight, and suddenly her hat floated above her head. To Twilight’s horror, Trixie’s neck extended to meet the hat in the air, and Trixie promptly stated, “NOPE.”
“Give me you’re tenders!”
CHAPTER TREE: THE SHY FLUTTERTREE
Chapter Fluttershy *squeak*
Fluttershy becomes a cyborg mahogany tree from the moon. Or does she?
Gilda, the meenie-mean-mcmeanygriffin tree-hater, looked at the giant cyborg tree in horror and tried to cut it down but cant, quickly realizing it was none other than Fluttertree, HER WORST ENEMY and natural predator. Quickly turning right round like a record baby and taking off into the sky, she called her OWN cyborg, the mighty BOB GILDANATOR SEGER. IT HAD OVER 9000 RODENTSCKETS AND LAZERS THAT WOULD MAKE JOHN FREEMANE JEALOUS (and dead).
Fluttershy came down on the stricken Griffon and said “LEAF ME ALONE, FOR I AM A TREE! That is, if you don’t mind.” Then out of NOWHHERE, Celestia. She said, “O HAI”, and left. And she came back. “JK LOL I’M BACK FOR REALS NOW. WHAT’S THIS ABOUT CYBORG TREE GRIFFONS?” And Celestia fired a friendship beam that destroy the GILDANATOR and all the rodentsckets and lazers and everything blew up and Fluttershy was no longer a tree even though she wished she was.
“I wish I was still a tree,” said a Saddershy. “Oh well, time for me to make like a tree and GET OUT OF HERE!”
“SORRY LOL BUT I’M THE PRINCESS HERE NOT YOU.” And Celestia flew off again to harass Luna at Mario and Sonic’s Winter Olympic Games.
And when Pinkie Pie awoke, she couldn’t even make sense of what she had just dreamed. “Is something the matter?” said Rainbow Dash, getting up next to her. “No. But that’s the last time I have candy for dinner” replied Pinkie Pie as she practiced her Olympic cupcaking.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT PINKIE PIE IS ABOUT FLUTTERTREE
CELESTIA ALREADY TOOK CARE OF FLUTTERTREE
BUT NOW FLUTTERTREE AND BLOOMBERG WILL NEVER BE TOGETHER! HOW COULD YOOOOOOU???
LOL I’M THE PRINCESS I DO WHAT I WANT
CHAPTER FORK: LOL I DUNNO: Fishsticks, get your fishtsicks here!
Then, Pinkie appeared out of absolutely nowhere, looked in a random direction and waved, said “I see you there” to some invisible people and disappeared into a whole.
“That doesn’t make any sense,” remarked Stephen Hawking, who is in no way connected to Stephen Magnet.
“What do you mean silly-filly?” said Pinkie when she came back out of the whole behind Stephen Hawknet. And then his head exploded.
Derpy Hooves had finally done it! She had invented the most convenient and nature friendly raptor , this will be revolutionary. This time, it was right, it would work, and nopony would have to get nailed to anything. It only contained high levels of Radiation! Delicious radiation... And fried chicken. I’m hungry now.
And so Derpy made friend chicken. It was delicious.
It was so delicious that everypony wanted some. Thus, all of the ponies became carnivores and Equestria was thrown in to utter chaos. In all the chaos the raptor was forgotten about.
“My, my, a raptor of my civility has no place in such barbaric culture.” And so the raptor left without doing anything important.
Then Steven Magnet raped the world and fled to his home on the other side of.. the world. To have sex with his multiple whores in his Steven Magnet Palace of Amazing. Steven Magnet did in fact have sex with these multiple whores. They loved him long time. holla holla get $
Chapter 5 :Rainbow dash Discovers the road of old memes
Rainbow Dash leaped from her cloud house, forgetting that she forgot to put her wings on, and plummeted to the ground. But then she ate an egg salad and landed to safety. But then she ACCIDENTALLY A WHOLE TREE and didn’t get hurt too bad. She landed in an apple tree in Sweet Apple Acres, and tried to pick up some of the fallen apples. When she couldn’t, she loudly procalimed “WHY CANT I HOLD ALL OF THESE APPLES?” Rainbow Dash then gave up on trying to hold the apples and continued with her day.
As she walked into town, she noticed that Pinkie Pie’s store was suspiciously closed, so she decided to investigate. When she walked in, said “hemenphanancera” and did a little dance. Pinkie Pie awaited her, with an innocent tray of cupcakes. “Hey Dash, try one!” Pinkie Pie said excitedly. “Sure why not.” Rainbow Dash replied. Rainbow Dash ate the cupcake and found it to be delicious! “Thanks Pinkie Pie!” she proclaimed
... “I love your mane!” said Rainbow Dash suddenly. “Do you really?” said Pinkie Pie, giggling to herself. “Aw thanks Dashy!” Rainbow Dash blushed a deep crimson hue. “Why can’t I quit you Pinkie Pie...” she thought to herself before she fainted from the intoxicated muffins. Pinkie pie then exclaimed “Bricks!”
From behind the bushes a pony in a pirate outfit told Applejack about her amazing ship and the Captain old sauce crew.They were on the search for Slowking and his amazing party wagon. “I must find Slowking and his amazing party wagon,” shouted AJ to the old sauce crew. The old sauce crew were an apple family clan born and raised in West-Fillydelphia and they were chillen on the playground and shooting B-ball outside of the school when a couple of parasprites were up to no good, started makin’ trouble in my neighborhood. They got in one little fight and old sauce momma said “You’re moving with your Granny Smith and cousin in Ponyville. THEN STEVEN MAGNET CAME.
The crew responded with, “We like turtles.” Got on the Millennium Falcon, used the boost to get through the lemon party groves and started their adventure. The adventure to find the party wagon and its protector a mysterious Slowking-bear of unspeakable horror...and candy. “Ok old sauce crew let’s find that mysterious Slowking-bear. We might run into some unspeakable horrors, but there’ll be candy, I’m sure ‘ave it,” reassured AJ to the old sauce crew.
“RRrarauugghrr” agreed Chewbacca. So they warped with the speed of light to pokemon planet to find the Slowking and they found him amongst all the slowpokes and bros of the slow-empire.
“Foolish foals of the foolish pony-race, I am the great Slowking-bear. You can never have my party wagons for they are filled with the most treasured of all the slow-candies. Now we fight to the death!” And so there was an epic cupcake between the old sauce crew, AJ, Chewbacca, and a banana with the slowpokes and bors and King when suddenly a WILD POKEMON APPEARED. It was CELESTIA, a fire/flying/magic type (the only triple type and was super rare seriously you couldn’t even get her from Nintendo events) and swooped down and said.
“HOLD ON GUYS. AS RULER OF EQUESTRIA I DERPMAND THE CANDY”
“Dammit stop butting yourself into every single chapter” whined AJ.
“Bllarwwwarggh” agreed Chewbacca.
“Deal with it. That’s one of the perks of being a sun-goddess and absolute dictator. Now about those candies.” And so Slowking was completely unable to stop the CELESTIA because she used sunny day and then fire blast and KO’d all the slow-people and so the old sauce crew was sad because they didn’t get any candy and Granny Smith would be disapoint. And Gary was disappoint because nobody likes Gary MOTHERFUCKING Oak.
Chapter Muffin: The Final Font Derpier
Fluttershy looked around quickly, it was dark out, tooooooo dark. But she HAD to be out in the dark, she wasn’t able to stay out in the day anymore, not after what happened the night before...
THE NIGHT SHE TURNED INTO A GIANT MECHA VAMPIRE TREE.
unlike most tales, she did not burst into flames when she was in the sunlight, no... It was much more embarrassing... She would... SPARKLE.
She nearly fainted the first time she saw this, her robotic legs allowing her to quickly run through the forest, but at the loss of her friends. She had also begun to grow in size, and now she could barely even get in her own house.
OUT OF NOWHERE, STEVEN MAGNET. Groomed to perfection, his magnificent, magnetically-inclined moustache multiplied many millions of monies. He was out on the prowl tonight, knowing that he mustache Fluttertree the Mecha Vampire Tree a preposterously difficult question: HOW DOES HIS MOUSTACHE WORK?
Ted WAS a magnet. So Fluttershy had a hard time avoiding him, with his magnetic abilities and powers, her metallic body was no match for it. Not at all... “Brick Get!” Exclaimed pinkie from an orange portal within his mustache, but Steve did not notice
Chapter Buzz: Suddenly, the Ponies had Changed
*clop clop clop clop*
It was no longer about parties and friendship. It was war. And war never changes. Or does it? Only this one invloedt by ponies and magical being and Chris Hansens.Friendship became but a tool, and love a weapone War never changes. Named primary ponies, followed by named background ponies, followed by unnamed background ponies, with cupcakes inside their bodies producing an abnormal friendship high. Sugar control. Pony control. Weather control. Friendship control. Everything is watched, and kept controlled by Celestia. The age of friendship had become the age of cupcake ponies. All in the name of adverting sadness and weapons of mass depression. And she who controls the sun controls history. When friendship is under complete control, friendship becomes routine.
♫ What a thrill, with friendship and cupcakes through the night. What a thrill, I'm searching and becoming friends with you. What magic in my heart, but you're so supreme! I give my heart, not for hatred but to you, my ponies. In my time, they’ll bee no one else. Magic is the way I’ll fly to you, my ponies. I’m still in a dream, my ponies! ♫
♫ Someday, you’ll break up a rain cloud. Someday, you’ll feed on a cupcake. To find friends, the trail to survive! For the day we’ll find new friends! ♫
Amounts of Fuck I give | 9 | 2 | 12 | 9 |
Zebras | 2 | 4 | 192 | Derpy Hoof |
Yes | 19 | 42 | 34 | 98 |
♫ I give my heart, not for hatred but to you, my ponies. In my time, they’ll bee no one else. Magic is the way I’ll fly to you, my ponies. I’m still in a dream, my ponies! ♫
♫ I’m still in a dream, my ponies! ♫ Da da da daaaaaaa! My ponies... ♫
“If powerlessness is a sin, than is power a justice? Is revenge a sin? Is friendship enough for justice? Obviously not in this case.” Pinkie Pie uttered.
“Pinkie you created a time paradox!” Twilight Sparkle screamed.
“This is pony... isn’t it?” Pinkie Pie answered, grinning. Then Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie did an epic CQC hug.
“A cornered pony is more dangerous than a parasprite.” answered Luna, suddenly aware of the trap they had fallen in.
“What shall we do?” asked Dash in despair.
“I have a plan....” said Luna looking down at the ground. “Follow me, I know of a place.”
The gang then followed Luna to an underground bunker hidden in the middle of the city. “Ok,” Luna started. “We need to take back Equestria!!”
“WHAT?!” cried out Dash. “That’s impossible! Ever since the crackdown on unauthorized friendship. Celestia has gone completely insane! There are at least 1000 ponyguards!”
Pinkie said, unusually thoughtfully: “But without true friendship, the guards will be weak! We can use our friendship to take them all down!”
“Still, the guard ponies have been fed so many cupcakes, their power levels are off the charts!” Twilight Sparkle noted. “With that amount of sugar they will be completely unpredictable.”
“Indeed they will,” Luna replied. “Now who do we have with us?”
Twilight looked around and said, “Uhm, we have Rainbow, Pinkie, me, Applejack and Fluttershy.” Luna looked at Applejack and Fluttershy and asked them where they came from.
“We were just doin some patrols Luna!” Applejack cried. “Suddenly there were ponies and other creatures everywhere! They’ve gathered around Ponyville. It looks like a battle is underway.”
“I bet it’s about the cabbages.” Luna replied. “Something must be done about that.”
“It looks like it’s time to kick this revolution into overdrive.” Twilight smirked.
Applejack, Twilight and Dash walked down towards the now ruined Ponyville. It was burned down be the command of Celestia in the beginning of the end. Twilight sees a commotion happening in the town square and tells AJ and Dash to stay back at a distance. AJ and Dash nod solemnly and proceed to hide near one of the burnt out houses. Dash was still as energetic as always but the revolution had mellowed her. - “Darn,” said applejack quietly, “what the heck are they up to?” In the middle of the street there were large protests against some guards. “Please! Could everypony just calm down? We are aware of the shortage of food bu-”
Suddenly an explosion shook the nearby building, followed by a loud crash. To their horror, a pony left behind let out a great yell as the structure collapsed on her. Dust and debris were scattered everywhere. The Great and Powerful Trixie struggled under the rubble life ebbing from her broken body. “- Oh god!” cried out twilight and galloped towards the house. There was anarchy in the square, ponies were running everywhere and the the guards tried to calm them down to no avail . Twilight had made her way towards Trixie who called out to her in a uncharacteristically pleading and humble manor. Twilight managed to dig her out however the damage was extensive, and Trixie would be unable to survive the trip back. Twilight might have known a lot about magic, but this would require a miracle. “T-twilight..” Trixie coughed , “I’m not much longer for this world. I...I need to tell you something...” Before she could finish, Luna galloped up to the two of them, shoving her way through the still panicking m
ob. “What’s going on here?” She asked in panic, “I heard explosions so I made my way over here!” Twilight, still with tears in her eyes said that Trixie had been crushed in the explosion.
Trixie, now forcing out every word. She leaned up to Twilight and said in her ear “- I... I’m still a better magician..” and with that and a small kiss she slumped down to the ground.
Twilight stood up and could feel the anger in her. It was building up like a tidal wave. The death, it was so unnecessary. Almost without thinking her horn started to throb.
All her emotion was now turning into magic, magic ready to destroy. The plateau which the guards stood on she ripped out of the ground and threw them away like a children's toy. The Ponies had stopped running around and watched in awe as ground flew far, far away (Bam, zoom, straight to the moon!).Twilight was practically levitating; her eyes shined of bright purple light. As she continued onward towards the castle, she began to change. She grew in size as her form elongated. Her mane lengthened and flowed outward behind her, magic sparking and cackling off of it. She had taken on the silhouette reserved only for the rulers of Equestria, those no longer bound by simple life and death. Her talent was truly magic, so much so she had reached far enough to transcend a goddess. She few onward at greater speed, her sparkling aura engulfing all she passed. It was lunch break when the pegasi squad saw the enormous figure outside the window. Captain.(placeholder) ordered his troops to form up outside to combat the beast, and die for Celestia. The pegasi bravely charged straight into the beast’s magical maw vortex, fulfilling the order to the letter. Blood sprayed everywhere, as Twilight consumed their essences, further adding to her already overwhelming power. The entire castle shuttered at her approach, and upon the tallest tower, the tyrant stood defiantly. Her power had grown great with her insanity, with a wicked smile Celestia's flowing mane burned, her wings spread outward, and her aura grew to a size far greater than that of Twilight’s. “ Well well, it seems you have learned too well, my beloved pupil.” The castle began to crumble under her imposing vestige, the avatar of the sun let out a mighty roar, pushing Twilight back and toppling several towers. The avatar of magic responded with a massive beam of varying purple shades.
“That was whe- “ “Auntie Twixie!” exclaimed a small teal foal lying in bed. “I asked fow a bedtime stowy! Not a wecaw-wecah-weeconting of da gweat wah!” Trixie sighed and apologized to the young foal. The Great War was one of her favorite stories, especially when she embellished it with certain details, such as her own death, or being close to the current queen, Twilight. The story was a subject which was with her at all times. It lorded over her dreams and worked its way into her thoughts and stories. “I’m sorry pumpkin, well, I won’t keep you any longer with my old tales. I don’t think I have a bedtime story in me tonight.” She nuzzled the foal gently before trotting off. The scarred mare made her way outside where she looked up at the moon, which once again bore the face of a unicorn, it’s eyes glowing dimly. She sighed and looked off to the distant castle, and thought of things that might have been, and all those that where once lost. The Great and Powerful Trixie was no longer great and powerful. She had lost much of her horn and magic long ago on that fateful night, along with a chance at redemption in the eyes of the one now called queen. A single tear rolled down her cheek.
FIN
*clop clop clop clop*
chaper 8: We borked et
It was cloudy afternoon in the town of Ponyville. Me and my pony comrades were ordered to stop the Cabbages advancement towards Canterlot throughh Ponyville. The Cabbages want to take over Equestria and use the entire land for planting thier foul cabbages. We watched the residents of Ponyville evacuate the town before the shelling happens.
Me and my squad decided to play tic-tac-toe while rest of the residents evacuated. Hours later the town was completely empty except for the howling wind that graced Ponyville with it’s presence. Then the shelling began. Shells after shells of whipcream was pummeling the town. We found shelter in a tree full of books, eventually the shelling stopped and saw several Cabbages trapped in the whipped cream. We started to scout around the area until sounds of yelling and cupcakes flying filled the air. A radio transmission came in and told us to meet up with muffin squad. We meet up with muffin squad as they told us that they need to take out a Cabbage stronghold at the bakery. We cupcaked to the Bakery avoiding cupcake and cabbage seed fire at the same time. We made it to the bakery and burst down the walls only to find out that the door was rigged with geletine and we were caught.
The war was ravaging, hidden behind the fruits of the cowponies. Buffalo ate their pies, and the desert cried. John Madden met Rango and Applejack for the day to parry their enemies, the Dragonians of Offensia. Came upon the land was a rocket moose. He dared to challenge me with his spindlebloom, but I told him that I had Steven Magnet on my side and he chose to relinquish his act.
Deep within the straw bunker, literally straw, like hay straw, not drinking straw straws, a child wept. this child wept tears of joy at seeing ponies, just before the straw bunker was blown down from a stray pegasus pony trying to make the weather more suitable for battle. Crickets were cricketting. I told those damn British crickets to play real American games, but they did not listen. I stopped for a moment, considering if I should tell them to get off my lawn, but decided against it.
The northwester front raged on, it’s southnorthernly flank running parralel to the enemie’s eastwesternly main line. Toots roared across the land as gas warfare had not been developed. Instead these were audible toots, unyielding to the cries of ponies who were probably not going home...
CHAPTER NEIN: PONY TO THE FUTURE <-- LOL
999 999
Here comes another chinese/Japanese earthquake: brbrbrbrbrbrbrbr
nein nein nein nein nein nein
question mark exclamation point question mark exclamation point que-
aeiou
The Doc looked at RD “Don’t move, if my calculations are correct, when this Pony hits 88mph, you’re about to see some serious manure” The Horse-shoe started to glow blue. A similar strange blue glow surrounded Pinkie as she raced toward Rainbow Dash. Rainbow stood her ground and prepared for the collision.
The Doc waited, ‘It should happen now’ he thought ‘It should be happening any second now, this very sec...’
The thought was not completed, but instead was engulfed by a mind-numbing experience.
Pinkie was suddenly cupcaked up by a blinding blue glow. For a split second the silhouette of Pinkie could be seen shrouded in a blue light aurora. A candy flavoured shock-wave hit the Doc and Dash just as Pinkie disappeared leaving flaming hoof-prints in her wake. An object was spinning on the floor, it was the cupcake. That cupcake was all that remained of Rainbow’s friend.
“1.21 Jiggawatts! What did I tell you!” The Doc obviously couldn’t contain his excitement. RD just stood in disbelief.
“But if she’s the cupcake now, what am I?” Doc didn’t think this one through completely.
“It seems I have inadvertently created an unstable, doomed timeline where Pinkie Pie is now a cupcake! Ok. Let me grab my spare horseshoes and set them to ‘Time Machine Mode’ instead of ‘Cupcakeifyer’ and you go back in time to stop me from doing this. Also don’t forget to invent johnny b. good and make your father less of a wimp.”
And so Rainbow Dash had an awesome 80s adventure and got to meet Cheerilee when she was super 80s and got to rock out on the guitar and even stopped Doc from inventing the Cupcakeifyer and with the help of 80s Doc, a sonic rainboom, conveniently plot-placed lightning, and a whole lot of great scotts, Dash made it back to Ponyville and made sure Pinkie was a-ok.
Chapter 10: The Colt Your Pony Could Smell Like
*clop clop clop clop*
The Old Spice pony cautiously approached Twilight’s Library.
“Hello Ladies.” he said, in his smooth silky voice. Also Apple Bloom is a cat now. He looked off in the distance, looking at something, possibly invisible, as if it were an audience. Oh god, sweet candy vagina.
“Look at me, now back at your colt, now back to me.” he proclaimed. A crowd had gathered, Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, and Princess Celestia herself included. They looked to their men, then back to the old spice guy.
Pinkie Pie said “Bricks!” Silver pony hand catch.
“They aren’t me.” he said. This stunning realization put most of the crowd in tears, only the ponies with the strongest resolve steadied their weeping. Zebra, please.
“But they can smell like me.” the Old Spice pony reassured. This newfound information brought the ponies joy and happiness.
“If they stopped using their lady scented body wash and switched to Old Spice.” But there was no stopping the Apple Bloom Cat. In a split second, her and Opal transformed and unleashed a mighty torrent of raw, unfiltered apple cider vinegar onto the strange and mighty Old Spice pony.
“JOHN MADDEN, JOHN MADDEN!” he yelled with his dying breath. And before long, nobody in all of Ponyville could count backwards from 9.
“Nine, Nine, Nine” counted Rarity. HOLY SHIT, I’M A FUCKING PONY
“Nine, Nine, Nine” counted Applejack in return. It was a horrible day for all. The only thing the Ponies could do was weep... and cupcake.
CHAPTER ELEVEN: The Final Solution
Hitlerpony sat at his small desk in his small office in a small building in a small town. He was not happy with everything being so small like him. He wanted bigger things, he wanted to have p0wer, and to RULE over the land of Equestria.
But he would need followers...
Lots of them.
His secretary had suggested a small town in the middle of nowhere, Ponyville.
There he was assured he could find ponies for his campain. So he set for the long trip to Ponyville immidiately.
“Mein Plan ist to love all dein Ponies! Das ist mein Idea!” Hitlar rubbed his armchair greedily. But with love, and magic, the ponies of ponychan turned him into cupcake and made his hair look awesome. He was so TOOT.
But even as she soared through the sky, she realized that something was wrong. Something deep down inside of her drove her to return. “Twilight!” she thought to herself. “I can’t just leave her down there...all alone and bored.” So Rainbow Dash returned and the two ponies snuggled together.
Almost instantly after Hitlerpony received his new haircut of awesomesauce, Gordon Freemane and Chellie portalled into Ponyville from the Land Down Under. They had absolutely nothing to say, as their Robot Overlords gave them a dire command to NEVER SPEAK, as that would break the magic of their characters. Hitlerpony immediately gave them some cake, as he found this to be a GREAT SUCCESS.
Twilight Sparkle facehooved when she read the title of the book she was reading so she read the read again to cupcake while she read more reading. Xzi-Bit laughed and said, “Yo pony, I heard you like reading, so we put reading in your reading so you can read while you read.” Twilight facehooved again, and turned him into a Xbox.
THE XBOX WAS ALL EMPTY AND FILLED WITH SHITTY CHINESE RAINBOWS. AND PARADOXES.
Chapter Twelve: Luna Contemplates Donna Summers.
“DONNA SUMMERS?”
“What the pony hell is a Donna Summers?” Luna thought to herself as she paced around the room nervously. She was worried about the assassins who were coming after her because of a nobleman she accidentally sneezed on shortly after being freed from the moon, which she found odd, because sneezing on somepony was considered a sign of respect 1000 years ago. “What do you think I should do, Derpy?” Derpy rolled her left eye straight up, while her right eye drifted slowly in a south-east direction. “Um, why don’t you defenestrate an elephant in their wagons?” Luna facehooved. “Thanks, Derpy, your advice will help me SO much,” Luna replied with an edge of sarcasm in her voice.
Meanwhile, outside Canterlot’s Royal Palace, a certain pink pony was somehow playing a Nintendo DS with her hooves. Because the creator of Equestria was so baffled by how she was doing that, reality split open and a toaster fell out. “Ooooooo, a shiny thing!” Pinkie exclaimed as she picked up the toaster and started playing with that instead. Then Derpy flew by, shoved a muffin in both of the toaster’s slots, and flew off yelling “death to tyrants!” at the top of her lungs. Then the toaster exploded, throwing a great jet of flame into the air, as those were nitroglycerin-flavored muffins. Pinkie stared at the great plume of fire in a mixture of awe and terror as it set a low-flying gryffin on fire. “...Let’s do that again!” Pinkie practically squee’d as she hopped up and down. The burning gryffin then crashed into a KFC, which was convenient.
Commodification and Sensible Economy:
Up in the Moon Tower of Canterlot’s Royal Palace, Luna decided to uphold the creed of Majora, and punish Donna with the moon. Fluttershy was also there. She was the tree. This was a plotwist nobison had expected, but it didn’t matter, because shortly afterwards a lumberjack chopped down the Fluttertree while wearing suspenders and a bra.
CHAPTER CUPCAKE: CUPCAKE
Meanwhile, in Soviet Equestria,
It was a day like no other. Cupcakes, cupcakes everywhere. They were raining from the skies! Pinkie Pie was in full control of Equestria. Not a single pony could put an end to her rule. Until one day, a certain Derpy Hooves muffined! The Derpy Hooves combated the Pinkie Pie by raining muffins from the sky instead of the cupcakes. It was the sign to start the uprising. Ponies by the millions started coming up and over the nearby hills on the south side of Ponyville, all armed to the teeth and ready for the upcoming battle. As the rebels and the guards’ eyes all met, there was a silence on the field of battle. They were all there, ready to cupcake this once and for all. And then Pinkie Pie got into her show outfit and started singing about caring and sharing. And then they all fucked. The end. or not...
Chapter 12.18759: Ia! Ia! Celestia Ftaghn!
Cthulhu snored in R’lyeh, waiting for Celestia’s tacos to fall, again, from the place they fell last time. Nothing satisfies the craving for souls like a good old-fashioned taco, he thought to himself as he dreamed of puppies. Specifically crushing puppies in his monstrous envenomed claws. What he WASN’T expecting, however, was Celestia barging into his bedroom and demanding that he stop eating her citizens.
“I cannot allow you to continue this, Cthulhu, even if you ARE a Great Old One!” Celestia poked Cthulhu in his swollen gut with his horn. “What part of ‘Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn’ don’t you understand, mortal!?” Cthulhu groaned as he rolled out of his cyclopian bed. “The ‘funglooee muglwuhnaf Cthulhu R’lyeh wuganagel futagin’ part, obviously. I’ll have you know if this continues, I’ll have no choice but to declare war on R’lyeh, and we both know how much I enjoy killing things.” Celestia then had to duck as Derpy flew by at an incredible speed. “THE MUFFINS ARE TRYING TO EAT MY FACE!!!!” she screamed as she flew by at near-supersonic speeds.
As this was happening in R’lyeh, in the Equestrian town of Ponyville Lyra and Bon-Bon were preparing for a night of passion, but before they could do anything that would have to be censored, Rainbow Dash crashed through their window and knocked over an expensive vase from St. Peterspur. “Heh heh, sorry about that girls, I was trying out a new trick involving a Creeper, a filly-pool filled with chocolate pudding, and a Red Mage wearing a vest made of health potions,” Rainbow said as bits of vase fell off her head. “I haven’t gotten all the kinks out yet.” Lyra looked Rainbow Dash up and down, and said “I think me and Bon-Bon can help you ‘get the kinks out’.” Then they all mated, but no one cares about horse mating so let’s go check out something else.
MEANWHILE, AT THE HALL OF JUSTI-
Sorry about that. The people involved with writing this monstrosity of a chapter have been shot in the kneecaps, stabbed in the face, decapitated, burned to ashes, and dissolved in acid, before being formed into bricks. The bricks were then used to construct an outhouse, which was shortly afterwards deconstructed by Pinkie Pie for reasons unknown. -The Editors
MEANWHILE, AT THE LEGION OF DO-
And this writer was hung by his entrails and his corpse paraded through Canterlot. -The Editors.
Chapter Twelve 1/2: The Thing That Happened Before The Following Thing.
It was dark. Quiet. Ponyville was silent in it’s darkest hour, in the early hours of the morning. Only one pony stirred, walking quietly through town. She had walked these familiar roads before, but not as she was now. Her cloak was torn, tattered, and ruined. Her usually perfect horn was chipped and worn from practice. Her time to shine had come. The hat she wore bounced lightly in rhythm with her pace. As she reached the middle of town, she stopped. Using her mouth she calmly untied her cape. It fell to the ground, revealing her light blue coat. She began to concentrate, her horn glowing a faint purple. She began to strain, and it grew brighter and brighter still. As she braced herself on the ground, putting all of her effort into her magic, cracks began to shoot through the ground. They spread around her in a circle, quickly making their way to the edge of Ponyville. There, they formed a neat circle in the earth. A great cupcake went through the air, and all of Ponville began to rise. Slowly but surely, the town was lifted off the surface of Equestria.
As the pony steadied herself and opened her eyes to look at her surroundings, she began to laugh. A chuckle at first, but then growing into a dark, almost menacing cackle. “Yes... YES!” she yelled, looking around her. “Now, Ponyville, you will see! You will truly see how GREAT and POWERFUL I have become!”
CHAPTAR 12 7/9- THE THING THAT HAPPENED BEFORE THE OTHER THING
Twilight Sparkle quickly glanced from side to side, making sure nopony saw her as she dashed as quickly as she could to her library home. She was carrying a large bag on her back, and whatever was in it, she clearly did not want anypony to find out. Making it to the front door, she opened it and rushed in, slamming it shut being her and sighing in relief.
She dropped the large bag to the ground, opening it slowly to reveal a collection of rather large books. She quickly sorted through the pile of books and pulled out a specific one. It was thick, and had a completely black cover, no text could be seen anywhere on it. Spike entered the room, rubbing his eyes, “What’s with all the noise so early in the morning Twilight? I was trying to sleep..” But before he got an answer, Twilight zipped off right by him, slamming her own room shut.
She gently placed the book down on her bed, her excitement building up as she lifted the cover slightly, taking a small peek inside the book. She smiled at the contents and flung the cover completely open. The first page read, ‘Speedsters Gone Wild’. She nervously glanced around again, making sure she really was alone before turning the first page. The book didn’t even have an index, it just jumped right into the pictures, which disappointed Twilight sliuffinghtly. She was looking for a specific blue pegasus, but she would have to search the entire book, page for page to find it now.
Sighing, she cupcaked at the first few pictures, they were tame enough, just some Pegasus doing some silly poses. She quickly flipped to the next page, and the next, and the next. The pictures got more suggestive as she went through the book, but she still hadn’t found what she was looking for. After a few more pages, she quickly realized she was nearing the end of the book. Sighing in frustration, she turned another page, and her eyes suddenly widened. There it was, the second to last page of the book, an EXTREMELY inappropriate photo of... Gilda and Rainbow Dash? She stared at the picture a few moments, a small frown forming on her face. She never realized Rainbow Dash had such a... relationship with the griffin. She looked up at the ceiling, letting out another long sigh, when suddenly a rainbow streak shot by her face, and a loud thump followed quickly behind. Twilight quickly shut the book, and looked over to the blue pegasus who was now sprawled out on the floor in front of her.
“Hey Twilight Sparkle, fancy meeting you here.” Dash smiled painfully.
“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight exclaimed, “Are you okay?!”
Rainbow Dash giggled, nodding slowly, “Yeah, just fine.. Though I can’t feel my legs. How are you?”
Twilight stared at her in shock, “Stay right here! I’ll go grab the nurse!” And with that she ran out of the room, almost forgetting to open the door.
Rainbow Dash waited for a few moments before slowly getting up. She could feel her legs just fine, but she didn’t want Twilight to realize she had been watching her the whole time. Slowly trotting up to the bed, she flipped to the picture of her and Gilda, and promptly tore it out. She was ashamed that Twilight saw this horrid picture, and planned on removing all evidence of it. Closing the book again, she flapped her wings a few times before rising into the air, and drifting over to the window. Looking back at the room one more time, she sighed and took off into the sky, the picture held securely in her mouth, heading back to her Sky Castle alone. She didn’t want to see Twilight at the moment... She just wanted to get away.
Chapter Thertean: THE THING THAT HAPPENED AFTER THE OTHER THING
Twilight Sparkle returned to her room with the nurse pony the morning after, but to her surprise, Rainbow Dash was no where to be seen. She sighed and turned to the nurse pony, “I guess she managed to get out after all... Sorry for bringing you all this way for nothing.”
The nurse pony nodded slowly, “It’s fine, I wasn’t doing anything at the moment anyway... Good luck!” And with that she turned around and trotted out of the library.
Twilight looked at the open window, sighing. Quickly remembering the book she left out, she was relieved to see it was in the same place. Trotting up to it, she opened it to the last page, eyes widening in horror when it was no longer there. Panicking, only one possibility raced through her mind, Rainbow Dash took it.
Shaking her had in disbelief, she quickly ran out of the library, passing Spike as he slowly walked up the stairs, and ran right outside, leaving the door wide open.
She knew exactly where Rainbow Dash’s house was, the only problem was getting there. High in the clouds, no pony but a pegasus pony could possibly get up there... Or could she..?
Quickly recalling the spell she cast on Rarity, she turned around and headed back to the library to concentrate...
And just then, Pinkie Pie BURST into the Library! “Hiya Twilight!” yelled the prancing pinky pony. “I hope you aren’t too busy but...” “PINKIE NO!” Twilight screamed as the spell erupted from her horn. When the magical light faded away, Pinkie was shocked to discover that both her and Twilight had grown beautiful wings! “ooo, wings!” said Pinkie Pie. “Just what I needed! Thanks Twilight!”
Rainbow Dash settled down in her comfortable cloud bed. The picture sat in the small trash bin next to her bed, crumpled up.
She regretting leaving Twilight before she came back, and crashing into her house in the first place... But it was all for the best. She rolled over onto her other side, jumping in alarm as Twilight stood directly in front of her. “T..Twilight!!! How did you get here?!”
Twilight flapped her two beautiful wings, smiling awkwardly at Rainbow Dash. “Rainbow Dash... I saw the picture... There was no reason to take it. ..”
Rainbow Dash sighed, turning back over to face away from Twilight, “You wouldn’t get it Twilight.. You wouldn’t get it at all...” A small tear ran down her face as she spoke.
Twilight took a step closer to Dash, shaking her head, “No Dash... I understand perfectly... Please listen to me... I love you.”
Rainbow Dash quickly turned back to Twilight, “Y..You what?” Eyes wide in disbelief.
Twilight Sparkle repeated herself, “I.. I love you Dash... I have for the longest time... I know things happened in your past... But we can keep that in the past!”
Rainbow Dash just stared at Twilight in disbelief, “Y.. You mean it..?”
Twilight nodded, “Yeah... I’m really sorry Dash...”
Rainbow Dash smiled and quickly got out of her bed, landing next to Twilight and giving her a small kiss on the cheek, “Well I feel the same way.. I’m sorry for breaking in and stealing the page like that... I know it was wrong I was just so.. ashamed.”
Twilight Sparkle blushed, smiling at her, “That’s alright... I’ve done some things in my past I’m not too proud of myself...”
Rainbow Dash giggled, “Oh, do tell~”
The two of them snuggled together and proceeded to share their pasts, things they were shamed of, and proud of, everything. They were both happy and they never hid anything from each other again.
Chapter 13.1415926535897932384626433832795028841: DERP, DERP NEVER CHANGES
“Ponies, ponies never change. Went through hell and back, go against the entire fucking nation..And what stops me..A fucking Earth Pony scumbag.” Panic entered my mind as I woke from my slumber, staring into the barrel of a gun. Behind the barrel was the mail pony that’s on pony wanted; Derpy Hooves. Cupcaking my eyes I prepare for my fate as the end draws near. “..But Derpy.” I muttered. “..Test your might.” (MORTAL KOMBAAAAT!!)
Derpy was not the smartest tool in the shed let’s say, so it really came as a shock when the most well known fighter in Equestria was in front of her. A muscular strange body was standing, on two legs and all, in front of Derpy, her face and mane Pink down her back. “Oh..You’re Pinkie Lee?...FFFFFFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIEEEEE-...”
“YOU ARE DEAD! DEAD, DEAD!”
The Pink Pony closed her book and looked at the group of her five best friends and smiled. “And that’s why I’m no longer allowed in Canterlot!”
DOUBLE TRANSITION of AWESOMNESS
“..How did I get here?” The Pony looked around the room with a confused look on his face..Wait. This didn’t cupcake right, like he was missing something..Transition. He’s in a bar, getting his groove on with some nasty mare, ohh yeaah. Now he’s on a horse. The stallion feels initial shock and begins to panic like fuck. “Wait..I’m already three levels deep! If I go any further I’ll be in limbo, where nothing makes sense and we’re..” The Stallion looked below him at the text that had appeared.
“...FUCK.”
And then there was pie. Moist, delicious pie.
Chapter DERP: Derpy’s short story...
Derpy looked at her muffin, her eyes getting glassy. “I DONT want to see you in this Star Destroyer again! You have done enough Miss Hooves” Her muffin shouted. Derpy tried to protest “Muffin, my muffin satellite is Americas next top Steven Magnet”. It was no use, her muffin wanted her out so she complied.
TIME PASSES, Derpy gets a job at the Mail Place in Ponyville!
“DERPY! Deliver this package to one Miss Hooves please!” The post master called. “Well, okie dokie then!” replied a terrified Derpy. This was the one package Derpy had most feared to deliver. She had to face her mother again. Her mother answered the door and embraced Derpy before she knew what in the hell was going on. “I thought I’d never see you again! I just wanted you to be happy!” Derpy scowled and HOOFED HER IN THE FACE!
She cupcaked the package at her and trotted away. “MUFFIN!” she shouted back as she flipped her off with her middle hoof. Did you know they could do that? DER END
DIFFERENT STORY, I think... yeah it is.
DER END. Of Hitler. And Taco Bell. And Mon Jhadden. And time. And me, oh damn
Derpy headed off in the direction of GLaDONY’s mysterious underground lab. Except it wasn’t mysterious, or underground. GLaDONY was simply convinced that she was a hipster. It was located in an obviously unmarked slab of concrete right in the middle of Stalliongrad. “Hello Derpy. Welcome to the Hooferture Science Training Facility. May I remind you that April is Take Your Filly To Work month and that this is the perfect time to have her tested?” Derpy dropped the package off at the empty parking lot and headed off to where Dr. Whooves had last parked his TARDIS. However, the Doctor had only recently had a rendezvous with a Scottish colt whom he’d known ages and ages ago. Derpy wasn’t aware of this. In the least. She burst into the TARDIS and down the corridors, winding and weaving until the finally burst into the kitchen. Doctor Whooves was in there, but he had left to find that pesky black laced shirt... Derpy ran right past him as he left, not even sparing a glance at the good Doctor.
She then proceeded to empty Dr. Whooves’ fridge. However, when the good Doctor walked back, he saw only the worst of sights. His bekilted friend was harassing Derpy, screaming at her about the loss of his beloved haggis. “Och, ye wee lil’ wench! I oughta buck you out the roof and into ye wide yonder!” The Doctor cautiously walked in. “Jamie? Jamie, what are you doing to Derpy?” He paused, and he awaited an explosion, when all of a sudden, the colt turned around, as if nothing happened. “Oh, aye. She ate my haggis, Doctor.” The Doctor stood quietly, alternating his stare to Pinkie Pie gathering bricks, then to Jamie, then Derpy. “Derpy, dear. We don’t have all the money in the universe.” He turned around, sighed, and then turned around rapidly, his hooves clopping against the floor. “But we have a lot of it indeed! Forward! We shall go to Uzora 9! They have only the best groceries!” “Aye, Doctor!” “Yaaay!” Jamie and Derpy galloped out of the kitchen whilst the Doctor slammed the fridge door and trotted out in the direction of the console room.
Later, the Doctor, Derpy, and the young Scot were laying casually about the console room.
Outside, they were landing, with the usual vworp, near a convenience store on Uzora 9. “Now, Derpy, don’t eat anything here.” “But whai, Doctah?” “Because...Because I said so, Derpy.” “Okey, Doctah!” They proceeded into the convenience store. All of a sudden, the trio were greeted to a most romantic and seductive commercial serenade.
Welcome!
And the Doctor was instantly confused. Derpy derped. Jamie pulled one of his strange faces. Pinkie Pied. The Doctor warmly gave a cautious “hello”. Derpy was still derping, and Jamie simply smiled. As Derpy was still derping, the Doctor walked over to a cooler, pulling out several colourful drinks and dropping them into Derpy’s mailbag as she trotted up to him, smacking into several different racks full of different snacks and treats. Jamie, saint he was, had to clean up after her. The Doctor finished his raid on the coolers, and Derpy was wide-eyed. “Doctah, weef ga’t a lotta room left!” “Just ye wait until later, lassie.” “What Jamie said.” Derpy looked at the drinks in her mailbag. “Yummy!” The Doctor trotted over to the instant lunches. Jamie followed him, while Derpy flew right over the aisle. She stopped too soon and crashed right down into the hooks. “Owie! Doctah, I huwwt!” “Derpy, don’t do that.” “Ye’r quite daft, wee lassie, ye know that?” “What dous daffft meen?” “...Derpy, don’t push the matter.” Derpy got up, and the three looked at the (partially destroyed) instant lunch secton. The Doctor grabbed a pallet of instant ramen and squished it into Derpy’s bag, with Jamie to assist him. “Doctah, whai is you duuin that?” “...Derpy, dear, please?” “Okey dokey, Doctah!” Jamie sighed and kept his head up. The Doctor dashed towards the chips, Derpy followed, crashing into an endcap, sending numerous other snacks crashing to the ground. Jamie had to clean up again. By now, the whole ordeal was getting to the convenience store’s owner, and she was tapping her hoof on the counter. The Doctor grabbed a large bag of chips and tossed it into the Derpy bag. Jamie sniggered and threw in another while the Doctor wasn’t looking. At last, the Doctor and his road crew sauntered up to the convenience store counter.
“Finally you have finished. You have destroyed my property without reckon, you stupid little pony!” She pointed at Derpy, then glared at the Doctor. “Will there be anything else? Or will my misery have an early end?”
“Doctah, can weee get sum gah--” “Yes, ye may, Derpy.” “Yuu is nahwt Doctah!” Derpy headbutted Jamie. “Och, lady!” “Derpy, Jamie! You have got to stop that!” “Sowwy, Doctah.” “Oh. Aye.” The Doctor tossed the contents of Derpy’s mailbag onto the counter.
“Why yes, you silly little stallion. You must disrespect me as much as you possibly can!”
“Well, I didn’t quite see it that way--”
“Only this fine young--”
“Doctah, can wees gou nao?” “Derpy, ye daft little lassie!”
“STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP”
All was still. The Doctor slammed a wallet onto the counter. The owner gave him change. Jamie stuck the food back into the mailbag. The three left. And Derpy was in permaderp.
However, the Doctor and Jamie didn’t know she was until she collapsed.
Chapter 15: Full-life Consequences, WHAT HAS TOBE DONE
It was a dark and funky morning. A young Midnight Sparkle, who was Twilight Spark’s younger sister, was tired of always being in Twilight’s shadow. It was her turn to be the Super Saiyan! So she came up with a scheme to make her the most beloved pony in all of Equestria. She said “I will be the mightiest pony in the entire planet!” Midnight ramped off the roof and did backflips.
And then there was a song
John madden! John derpy mcmailman madden!
Why have you come here today?
Mrs hooves, lovely lady whooves,
I have a message for you today.
It’s to you daughter pinkie, when will she be here soon?
Silly mail filly, I’m always right behind you!
FOREVER!
You gotta mail the mail, to see the mail
don’t just wag your tail
when you read the mail
you gotta write the mail,
or else’ll fail if I ever failed
and this pie’s parties have neverer nailed
parasprites onto a sail
that wound up all around the world
MAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!
But dearie, you’re a girl!
Of course, I the Pie, am female!
what did you expect from a singer?
And then Pinkie Pie was a zombie goast.
Well, at least it’s an improvement!
How so?
Zombies don’t sing!
Do’hohohohohhoho!
BRAINS, BRAINS, I won't lie,
I'll eat their brains 'til they're zombified.
Sure they might think it's deranged
But they won't give it a thought
After I've eaten they’re brain.
BRAINS, BRAINS, It's okay.
It's not a matter if it isn't gray,
And if at first they think it's strange,
they won't think twice
If they don't have a brain!
SUDDENLY! Rainbow Crash OUTTA NOWHERE!
“I am already Super Saiyan, Midnight Sparkle! You shall never be stronger than us!”
“But you are WRONG, Crash, for I have already charged up a friendship bomb, and it already detonated!”
And then Rainbow became friendship.
BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!
If you order NOW NOW NOW, you’ll get a SECOND Chapter Fifteen ABSOLUTELY FREE! Just call YOUR MOTHER with your credit card NOW NOW NOW DO EEEEET and you’ll get TWO count ‘em TWO Chapter Fifteens for the price of one! Your brain’ll melt out so thin, you’ll be able to make BILLY MAYS out of it!
and then Vince was a brony.
CHAPTER 16 28/99999999999999999: HOLY CRAP JAPAN IS SO AWESOME
Twilight Sparkle walked into the library and called Spike, asking him if he ate her sandwich. Spike replied with some conscience whatsoever that he was her sandwich. Twilight then proceeded to eat Spike. Then reality changed forever. Fluttershy walked in with a sky tank and rocket lazers. After her midnight cullings of random points in Equestria, she always needed the cupcake for some plant food and water. She then responded TWILIGHT WHAT ARE YOU DOING. And Twilight couldn’t talk because her mouth was full of sandwich. Then Pinkie Pie jumped in through the ceiling, exclaimed “Bricks!” and broke a ton of fourth walls GOD DAMN IT PINKIE YOU ARE SO RANDOM. Then they had a video game system installed and played football, football, football games all day long JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN FOOTBALL. Football and ponies in my opinion are the best thing ever. I will now rhyme a lot until the next chapter begins CUT AND PRINT THIS CHAPTER IS GENIOUS.
Spike dies.
The cake lies.
Luna cries.
Derpy flies.
Rarity spies.
Pinkie Pies.
Twilight tries.
Applejack dries.
Lyra fries.
Rainbow and Applejack ties.
And brotha, I hurt people
AND THE THE CEILING CRASHED ON THEM AND THEY WERE TRAPPED AND
UNABLE TO LOVE !
“NO” SAID TWILIGHT I MUST LOVE THE PARASPRITES!
“NO TWILIGHT YOU ARE THE PARASPRITES”
Then Pinkie Pie broke the fourth wall, again.
And then Pinkie Pie was gathering bricks again. “Bricks!” she exclaimed, as she loaded up her wheelbarrow.
CHAPTER 17: ZORK and Pony Pals
Once upon a time, there was an ugly griffin named Gilda. She was so ugly that everyone died.
Then Pinky Pie partied through the night.
The End.
OR WAS IT?
Yes it was.
Gilda, Destroyer of Worlds had wreaked havoc once again
The End (again).
CHAPTER 18: A BUNCH OF EXPLOSIONS FOR NATURE BLOSSOM (and believe me, they are Still Apony)
Boom boom boom, Explosion, BOOM BOOM, Crackle. Fizzle, sparkle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, even brighter than the- *dies* OH SHIT I LOVE COCKS
NOT ENOUGH EXPLOSIONS!!! FWACKOOOOM!!
THWACK THWACK THWACK GOES MY EXPLOSION!!! MEGAN FOX’S TITS
The Explosion exploded with the force of a thousand million Explosions!
The rice krispy elves were there and their names happened to them.
Explosion Commotion aw aw aw aw yeah~~~~~~~
Explosion commotion!
I used to wonder what explosions could BOOM
Until you dropped a bomb on me (AND BOOBS)
Big explosions
Tons of BOOM (AND BOOBS)
A beautiful sight hot and big
Sharing explosions it’s an easy feat
And bombs make it all complete!
You have Explosions Commotion
Do you know you are my very best BOOM
(Can you do that? Can you explode...twice?) (yes)
Chapter 19: The lost pages
THIS CHAPTER IS SO LOST
ITS INVISIBLE
YOU CAN’T READ IT
AND NEITHER COULD TWILIGHT SPARKLE
THAT’S WHY SHE DIDN’T.
YEAH.
THE END.
And then she died.
END AGAIN.
Twilight Sparkle knew what she had to do. Using her horn she gored Rainbow Dash and violated her corpse. Everyone reading this began to cry. Then I got yelled at for not spoilering grimdark.
And then Derp found more muffins and exclaimed “Muffins!”
Open the door.
Get on the floor.
ERRYBODY KILL A DINOSAUR!
Interlude: A message from our sponsor.
Do you need something sent but are too dumb to use e-mail? Well We have the solution for You! It’s called “Chuck Norris” or a gun. Either will work. If your still in bind I’m sure derp co. can find something to fit your needs. Just send us all your monies and we’ll get right back to you. Eventually. Really, we will.
Trust me. I’m a doctor. Yes that kind of doctor.
Now back to your regularly scheduled “story,” if browser can’t hold all these apthat’s ok with you.
my web
Interlude With Lupus and Ponies (Interlude Vol. 2):
I’ve always been behind you, so I think we should meet. (LaLaLaLa)
I sharpen my friendship, so I’m gonna use it (Oh Baby Oh)
I’m gonna smother you with my love, forever and ever, also forever
Rainbows & ponies & cupcakes baby, is what I mean to provide
I know together we’ll make the possible, totally impossible
If you want me I’m yours, and even if you don’t want me
I’m trained and licensed and armed to the teeth
I think you’ll agree
It’s so hard to apologize, so I’m just gonna skip it
Pony insomnia will make you a million
Did you just hear something crazy?
I got my hooves crossed you’ll catch something baby
Cuz I just threw myself at you
Everypony run and hide, I’m coming to find you
Is my face still bleeding? What is your problem?
By the skin of my teeth, that’s how I’m gonna drive you
On the good ship Lolligag, LSD and a bloody pile of rags
I hate to be the bearer of bad news,
...But I am
-Them Crooked Vultures ©2009, and Nick 2011
The power of Dave Grohl COMPELLS YOU!!! -Now back to the show-
Retpahc 20: Legends of the Users
This world was not meant for Rainbow Dash. How she got here was a mystery, Why, was also a mystery. But her tail was awesome and she could do awesome stuff with it, so that’s what she did. But that alone was not what she did, so she decided to be even more awesome and play the vidja games inside the crazy neon world with Daft Punk in the background all the time.
“Hey you mare. You’re not a licenced avatar. You’re performing illegal sick-nasty moves on the game grid so you’ll have to come with me to see the Master Control Pimp.”
“Yeah right you’ll have to catch me first” And so Dash speed off using her sweet-awesome neon wings whiles “derezzed” pumped in the back and tail and nopony on the game grid could catch her but then some dude with an awesome neon coat with a beard showed up on a motorcycle and said “What are you doing in the grid pony?”
“Who the hell are you?” replied Neon Dash
“I’m the Dude! I designed this place. Also, woah, a talking pony.” Neon Dash was a little confluttershy’d by this develoopment. Apparently there are weird bipedal talking monkeys outside of Equestia and they have awesome taste in neon.
“Well, DOOD, how am I supposed to leave the grid? And who is the Master Control Pimp?”
“Ah, well, for that first part, I can’t really answer that. Because I’m basically combining the plots from the two Tron movies, I’m trapped in the world I designed because MCP took over. See, I originally designed him to download virtual hussies and foxes and other euphemisms but he got too pimp-nasty-tastic for a lone Dude to take down so I sent an email to the Internet to send me the baddest dudes ever (who could probably rescue the president) and I guess that’s why you’re here now.”
Suddenly Applejack fell from the sky next to Rainbow Dash. “Did I get it this time?”
“Woah, another pony. Um, I don’t know what it is that you got, but if you’re here, that must mean the Internet thinks you’re a pretty bad Dude. Ok, so that makes three Users vs. one nasty Pimp. I think we have a good chance. Plus we got an awesome soundtrack to help: You might want to put this on repeat for our epic battles.
And so the two ponys and the Dude traveled around the game grid and eventually they met up with Tron who who is a pretty cool guy, heh kills viruses and doesn’t afraid of anything. Then they met Quora who all the fanboys drooled over but AJ couldn’t care less but it’s a little more ambiguous with Neon Dash (but I won’t go into detail. You probably have your own theories by this point). And so our merry band of travelers were traveling across the mainboard when suddenly AJ got the bright idea to send a message back to Celestia to tell her where they were so Fluttershy could stop crying.
“Well, uh, ok little pony, but since I sent out that email to the Internet, MCP has been hogging all the bandwith for his floosies. We’ll need to open up another port and to do that we need to talk to a really old program who sorta looks like this dude that I work with so it’s a little awkward but I can see that this is pretty important so we’ll go even though it’s a little out of the way.” So our merry band set off for port 999 to open a connection to the ponyville computer network to send Celestia a letter-email so everyone could chill the TOOT out ‘cause they got this. Unfortunately it was a trap because John Madden and Mark were there to trap them because port 999 was the most obvious port.
“Stop right there criminal scum! You’re under arrest for being too bad for a bunch of dudes.” And Neon Dash couldn’t fly away because she was still unsure about Quora and didn’t want to leave her (awwwwwwww) so they were all taken by John Madden to the IMPERIAL VIRTUAL FLAGSHIP the MCP-Soul Plane, piloted by a virtual Snoop Dogg.
“Y’all dudes are too bad even for the pimp-daddy MCP himself so he’s planning on assimilating your dudeness so that he can be the most fly sentience in every plane of existence....’fo sheezy.”
“Can’t let you do that Snoop Dogg!” and Wolf O’Donnell from out of nowhere came down and started blasting everything.
“Oh, that’s right. My N64 emulators...I never uninstalled it. Sweet.” said the Dude. “Let’s use this time to get outta here man.” And so while John Madden, Mark, and Snoop Dogg were distacted by lazers the Users and crew went to an escape pod and lol and behold it crash landed right in front of MCP’s “message parlor.”
“So y’all saying that this here’s where that feller who’s been giving you all this trouble is living? Seems a little...uh...sketchy for a meglomaniacal porn-torrenting program.”
“Well, wherever he lives, I’m ready to kick some tail!” And so Neon Dash flew in to the parlor without even thinking which is what she usually does even though everyone told her to just wait. Inside Neon Dash discovered a giant red pillar wearing a pimp suit and purple shades along with a hologram of a cane floating next to it and dancing honies everywhere.
“Now who ‘dis walking in unanounced into the lair of the great Master Control Pimp?”
“I’m Neon Dash and you need to stop hogging up all the bandwidth with your porn so AJ and I can return home, and probably also the Dude too.” Dash then tried to kick the Master Pimp, but silly pony you can’t kick a giant spinning hologram so she just flew off to the side.
“All y’all ponies be trippin. I need this bandwidth for mah honies you hear? How else am I supposed to get ‘mo honies?” At this point everyone caught the fuck up with Neon Dash and made it into MCP’s chamber.
“Excuse me, but you could always disregard bitches and acquire currency,” chimed in Tron, who before this point hadn’t said anything important enough to write about.
“Hmm, you make an excellent point my fine fellow program...” and at this point MCP was distracted enough for Tron to throw his Neon Frisbee at him and scored a CRITICAL HIT because Tron likes to play Frisbee golf in his spare time.
“AAAAAHHHH! Snoop! Help meh!” and so Snoop Dogg reappeared because he was able to stop that lame Wolf.”
“Yo dawg I heard you like disks in your disks so I put pony in your pony so you can clop while you clop.” he replied back. And with that Snoop was granted all the pimptastic powers of the MCP and we had an EPIC SHOWDOWN ON OUR HANDS. Tron was trying to use his disk but it was ineffective. The Dude couldn’t do anything. AJ tried to kick giant Snoop’s legs but he kicked her and lolled. Neon Dash finally recovered and said “Enough of this shit” and started charging up a Sonic Rainboom.
“Take this: my love, my anger, and ALL MY FRIENDSHIP! SONIC RAINBOOM!!!” And with the spirit of all the friendship in Equestria, Neon Dash performed the Super Sonic Rainboom and punched a hole straight through Snoopaloop and so he died and so did the incredibly pimptastic powers of the MCP and the red pillar disappeared and all that was left was a creepy old porn program with a foot fetish.
“Well, looks like the ports are starting to clear up again!” exclaimed the Dude, who then promptly deleted the former MCP because he honestly was a little embarrassed. “You’re going to have a lot of work to do Tron. I’m pretty sure MCP forgot to assimilate an anti-virus program when he was downloading all those skanks.” And so AJ and Neon Dash (who’s now Rainbow Dash because you can’t be neon outside of a computer) were able to go back up through port 999 which turned out to be Spike’s Crush, Rarity’s mouth because she had wireless internet.
“Applejack, why’s Rarity so upset?” Dash asked.
“Ah donno, sugarcube, maybe we’ll find out in the next chapter?”
“Sure, worth a shot.” Rarity cupcaked them all as she returned to get a thrid pony pedi. For that hour.
Chapter -3.14159265: An unrelated matter
She was having that dream again. That creepy man standing there with his odd mustache and egg-like stature. He faced her and spoke: “Sonic fell for it, Tails is ours! I’ll have to give my self a PRRRRRRROMOTION!” Rainbow Dash shrieked and arose from her bed, heart pounding against her chest. Realizing it was only a dream, she wrapped her arms around Sonic Von Hedgehog and fell back to sleep. Then a creeper came out and blew everything up.
Mr Minecraft was not happy that his Meatboy vacation had ended so abruptly.
“That cupcaking musclekarp!” exclaimed Mr M, sitting on his treebed, wondering what he would do now. “Once again those bloody pokémans and their fires have burned down my wonderfull fortresses of wood, WHOM EVERYONE KNOWS IS THE GRRRREATEST BUILDING MATERIAL EVER!” He then proceeded to do the most outrageous thing a minecrafter could do. He GRIEFED the pokémans! Of course, this pissed Red off so much that he sent his entire stock of musclemons at Mr Minecraft. Everyone died. ExThe END. IN RED. CAUSE OF THE BLOOD. IT’S YOURS, BY THE WAY.
CHAPTER 21-OFF ELEVENTY TWELVE: WHEREIN I PLACE A BUNCH OF RANDOM WORDS FROM THE DICTIONARY THAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND ITS ALL FOR MY ENGLISH HOMEWORK
Supercalifragilisticexpialapony
COVERT FLANK JOY
prestidigitation
Emancilucation
Forltality
MAgnominimity
Antidisestablishmentarianism
Reticulating splines
ABODEBOUND
Hussnasty
Jadela
Saspirella
Drumtolive
Hanmeal
Khawholenopa
Kew Kew Cashew, what’cha got there?
Come on guys we need to explore!
I am rarity!
The double Trio: Starring
Philosopher Dash
Joker Pinkie
Gaga Rarity
Vampire Sparkle
Silly Salted Applejack
Treeshy
enjoy your plot bunnies
CHAPTER +6 idk what to call it
Pinkie pie gets diabeetus and dies. also she killed rainbow dash and made her a cupcake. Now they have lesbian pony sex in the afterlife. Also twilight sparkle sucks.
Why can’t i hold all these chapters And Pinkie Pie didn’t know since she has a hyperspace arsenal where she’s been storing bricks.
Suddenly Twilight grabbed her glowing lightsaber and was all like “Something, something, something...dark side”
And Pinkie Pie was all like “that is soooo Twilight”.
Admiral Flutterguy, our cruisers cannot repel the firepower of that magnitude!
“IT”S A TRAP!”
Eeeeyup, said first officer. Its time to unleash our last Battleship Ponymkin.
“Bring commander Pinkie on the screen!” said Admiral.
“Pinkie Pie reporting on wootsie dootsie!” came the answer.
“We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long months of struggle and of suffering. You ask, what is our policy? I will say: It is to wage war, by sea, land, and air, with all our might and with all the strength that Celestia can give us; to wage war against a monstrous tyranny never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of pony crime. That is our policy...” But Pinkie interrupted:
“Yeah yeah i got ya! How about song? “
“A battle song is fine too!”
Then commander of Battleship Ponymkin cupcaked massive space speakers with power of 19,898 Niggawatts. As troops of Twilight Empire prepared to be blasted, the song began to play:
Wake up In the morning feeling like a pony
Open tab, go to /chat/, turn someone into a brony
Before I leave, grab me with, Apple the Jack
‘Cause when I leave to some chans I ain’t coming back
Im talkin’
Posting some neat pictures
Trolling thousands of wiggers
Make fun out of hipsters
*Toot toot toot*
Bombarding
All of your failing GET threads
With awesome rainbow dash sets
Spreading magic through the neeeeets
Don’t stop
Make ‘em drop
Ponies blow your channels up
Tonight
They gonna fight
And the /b/ can’t do it right!
Because it’s Friday, Friday
Gonna get down on Friday
And Rarity
whips her flank back and forth
whips her flank back and forth
END SIDE ONE